Bad Coelacanth

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I skipped lunch for this

(in progress Major Zed)

Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

Album: Bad Coelacanth

What in the hell am I doing?
Bent over the page scribbling
I should be at the pub getting smashed!
Or playing the ticket machines at the local arcade
I have to play the Uncle Fester and Electric Chair

Chorus:

I skipped lunch for this?
What was I thinking?
I skipped lunch for this?
I should have been out drinking!

I could have gone for a walk down the street
And waved to the owners of the pizza parlour
On Wednesday I can go to the market and buy giant dim-sims

Chorus

A cow explodes

(unrecorded)

Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

Arrangement:

Album: Bad Coelacanth

A COW EXPLODES!
My milkshake is much better than yours!
It has nitro-glycerine in it!
Leftover from when the cow exploded!
Who was feeding the cow dynamite anyway?
You wacky Alfred Nobel!
You deserve a prize!
The Nobel prize for cow exploding goes to Alfred Nobel!
PETA will not be amused!
Who cares, it's the 19th century and they won't be around for another 100 years!
Find more animals to explode!
HA! HA! HA! HA!
*fade away maniacal laughter*

Stock footage of Queen Elizabeth with OINK, OINK noises

(unrecorded)

Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

Album: Bad Coelacanth

Chorus:

God Save the Queen!
She's made of bacon!
I'm not faking!
It's on the stove baking!

YAY! "In bed (the clown) with Elvis and friends" is on!
The woman I wish was my girlfriend is hosting it
She always looks lovely
I had to hold the car steering wheel while she brushed her hair once

Chorus

I've lost my train of thought
Oh, yes!
They had to lock up the corgis as they were eating the Queen
It was more embarrassing than Hitler Harry and the Chamber of Spanking!

Chorus

The price of Swedish glarno

(MP3)

Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

Arrangement: Major Zed

Album: Bad Coelacanth

Lyrics

The price of Swedish glarno
It goes up and down
Sometimes it is worth more than a tractor
Other times less than a bucket of slop
No I wouldn't want to be a futures trader
Who bets on the price of Swedish glarno
It is not a reliable commodity
On which to pin your future hopes and dreams
The doesn't stop people doing it
I see more every day
The money is just too attractive

I wonder what's happening over by the volvox

(unrecorded)

Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

Album: Bad Coelacanth

I wonder what's happening over by the volvox?

  • sound effects from old monster movies at least 20 secs*

Or maybe?

  • rude porn sounds for 10 secs*

Or perhaps?

  • machine guns, explosions, cavalry charge 5 secs*

Nah, probably just...

  • bored woman calling for price check on volvox*

Yes, that's it!

  • woman strips off to bikini and begins go-go dancing with antromorphic pinapples and bananas funky dance music for the next six hours*

I just came in to return my defective ant

(unrecorded)

Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

Arrangement:

Album: Bad Coelacanth

Do-bee-doo dee-doo dee-doo dum-dum
My ant for Eponema goes walking
Dum-dum Dum-dum Dum-Dum Dum-Daaaaaaaaaaaah!
*repeat until bored*

Ignore the furlax

(MP3)

Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

Arrangement: Talysman

Album: Bad Coelacanth

Quotes come from Wizard of Oz, Taxi Driver and Full Metal Jacket.

Chorus:

PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE SCREEN!
Ignore the furlax!
You talkin' to me?
Ignore the furlax!
What is your major malfunction numb nuts? Didn't your parents pay you enough attention as a child?
Ignore the furlax!

The furlax is not worth your attention
Do not regard it in any light
It is no concern of yours

Go past inflatable wumbles

 

(MP3)

Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

Arrangement: Charlie

Album: Bad Coelacanth

Oh, how I miss the Wumbles
It was one of my favourite shows on TV
And you can't go past the inflatable wumbles
If you want to have a good time at a party

Chorus:

You can't go past inflatable wumbles
Really, I mean it! They won't let you!
Goddamn it! It's so annoying!
Get out of my freaking way!

I was walking down the street
When the inflatable wumbles started following me

You look like a nice gullible person

 

(MP3)

Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

Arrangement: Charlie

Album: Bad Coelacanth

Why do people choose me to do things all the time?
If I am sitting in the audience, they get me up on stage
I am the first person bums approach for money
I am the one who runs errands at work
The Mormons knock on my door first
I believe that the word gullible is not in the dictionary
I can almost hear them thinking as they do it
"You look like a nice gullible person"

Welcome to the crotch kicking department

(in progress Charlie)

Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

Album: Bad Coelacanth

I went up to Germaine Greer, slapped her and said "where's my dinner?"
I took my vegan girlfriend to an all your can eat steakhouse.
I tried to grab the dancers tits at a local strip club.
How can I get my crotch kicked easier?
I don't want to go to much trouble.
Or join the USA two man luge team.

Chorus:

Welcome to the crotch kicking department!
We make all your dreams come true!
Welcome to the crotch kicking department!
We'll make your face turn blue!

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