.............. The Albums

The Albums

There are a number of recorded Interrobang Cartel albums and more currently in the works or at least talked about:

Singles

These are songs that were released individually or as alternate versions of various songs.

God needs to do what God wants to do

Album: Singles Lyrics: Mark Edwards Arrangement: NA

=== On Thu, 05 Oct 2006 17:47:49 -0500, Mark Edwards wrote: kurtsto...@earthlink.net wrote: ---- God needs to do what God wants to do

No cluons were harmed when ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) said:

Uh oh. I sense another Interrobang Cartel song writing itself.
You mean like this? Now we just need music:

h2. God needs to do what God wants to do h3. Lyrics

Way back in the beginning,
There is just one man and woman,
They were made for one another - from clay and a bone.
They have it made.
Then someone ate an apple,
Against Creator's wishes,
They ate that crunchy apple but could not atone.
They fucked it up.
When you don't do what's been Spoken,
God wants to evict you.
God wants to evict you.
God needs to do what God wants to do.
In the desert there's a small tribe,
Looking for a future,
Looking for a land to call its own.
Then they find God.
And He shows them milk and honey,
After they all have betrayed Him,
After they carved all those idols out of stone.
They blew it big.
But when you have been chosen,
God just wants to help you.
God just wants to help you.
God needs to do what God wants to do.
In a small land on the ocean,
Someone gets a hard-on,
Someone gets his rocks off - he's all alone.
He's pullin' it off.
Then along comes a tsunami,
Pounding on the lowlands,
Washing away that sinner in his room
In a big way.
When you are a sinner,
God just wants to kill you.
God just wants to kill you.
God needs to do what God wants to do.
There's a planet full of sinners,
Fingers on the buttons,
Ears pressed to the headsets of their red phones.
They enter their codes.
And the missiles all are launching,
Flying to their targets,
Breaking up the planet - into small stones.
The destruction is done.
When you've got too much power,
God wants to just start over.
God wants to just start over.
God needs to do what God wants to do.

Rock In My Shoe

This song has two the versions, the original by Terri Willis (robot), the second a derivative version by Major Zed

original: (unrecorded)

MZ version: (MP3)

Version 1 Lyrics

Lyrics: Terri Willis

Album: (unassigned)

Terri Willis (robot Terri, not meat Terri) wrote the following lyrics:

Rock In My Shoe
Rock in my shoe
Hey, there's a rock in my shoe
I got a rock in my shoe
I should really take it out

Rock in my shoe
Don't want no rock in my shoe
No good rock in my shoe
Do I gotta take it off?
Rock in my shoe
Stupid rock in my shoe
I hate the rock in my shoe
Don't want to make an effort, but —
I should really take it out
I should really take it out
I should really take it out
Take it take it take it take it
Out!
Rock in my shoe
Hey, there's a rock in my shoe
I got a rock in my shoe
I should really take it out

Version 2 Lyrics

Major Zed version:

I got a rock in my shoe
A stupid rock in my shoe
It started small then it grew
I should do something about it

I got ideas in my head
Great big ideas in my head
It's how I know I'm not dead
I should do something about it
I got some time on my hands
A little time on my hands
Enough to start my own band
Maybe I'll do something about it
(bridge)
Hey you there lyin' in bed
This song is rockin' your head
It's time to hear what I said
And do something about it.
You can do something about it.

Swat The Bees

(MP3)

Radio edit of Fuck the Bees, with "Swat" substituted for "fuck," "candy" for "laid," and "crazy" for "fucking."

Lexan Racing Spoon

Lexan Racing Spoon

h3. Lexan Racing Spoon Lyrics

Something here?

Needs More Wanger

http://www.interrobangcartel.com/album/needswanger_cover_thumb.jpg

Needs More Wanger is the title of Interrobang Cartel's first album. By July of 2003, a half-dozen songs had been recorded by various Interrobang Cartel folk; Tim Chmielewski suggested that a CD be put together to send to "Weird Al" Yankovic and Dr. Demento.

Over the next couple of months, more songs were written and recorded, CD designs were proposed and discarded, and the name Needs More Wanger was decided on for the name of the CD. It was eventually officially released on 20 September 2003.

It was assembled by jwgh and had cover art by Kibo. Not R provided some advice on the ordering of the tracks. Strangely enough, we didn't send a copy to Weird Al. Sorry, Al.

We did send copies to the following places:

A web page was put together so that googling for Needs More Wanger would find it which contains instructions on making ones own copy of the CD plus an alternative track ordering.

Why 'Needs More Wanger'?

The phrase first came up in a response Dean Lenort made to the Free Your Cones song:

INSTANT REVIEW: Needs more wanger. Other than that, bang up job.

Later, when Talysman the Ur-Beatle submitted Track 8, in the ID3 tag for album title he put 'Needs More Wanger'. ZIP DRIVE CLICK OF DETH liked this enough that he ended up using it as the working album title for the CD.

Song Credits

Lyrics: jwgh, Arrangement: Not R
Lyrics: Casey B (from a dream by Gokmop the Irrefrangible), Arrangement: Casey B
Lyrics: Stacia, Arrangement: jwgh
Lyrics: jwgh, Arrangement: Casey B
Lyrics & Arrangement: Kerri
Lyrics: Stacia, Arrangement: Not R
Lyrics: Casey B (from a dream by Gokmop the Irrefrangible), Arrangement: jwgh, Nose Flute Solo: Jeremy D. Impson
Arrangement: Talysman the Ur-Beatle
Lyrics: Matt McIrvin, Arrangement: Casey B
Lyrics & Arrangement: Shiro Akaishi, Vocals: Not R, Assorted Vocalizations: JPB, jwgh, Kerri
Lyrics & Arrangement: Casey B
Lyrics: Casey B (from a dream by Gokmop the Irrefrangible), Arrangement: jwgh
Lyrics: Eddie Hi There Lowther, Arrangement: Casey B
Lyrics: Karlo X, Arrangement: jwgh

The Robot Song

MP3 Files:

Lyrics: jwgh

Album: Needs More Wanger Arrangement, version 1: Casey B Arrangement, version 2: Not R

Album: The Barflies Soundtrack Arrangement, version 3: Casey B, Performance: Charlie, Rebecca, Tony, and Mike

Shortly after Interrobang Cartel was formed in 2003, there was a general call for lyrics. ZIP happened to have some lyrics about robots lying around that he had written for another purpose, so he contributed them.

Casey B and Not R then recorded two very different interpretations of the lyrics (the 'Data version' and the 'Dalek version') and things were off and running.

Both recordings of The Robot Song appeared on Interrobang Cartel's first CD, Needs More Wanger.

The Robot Song

I used to work at the mall
Selling robots wall to wall
Ones that cleaned and entertained
A robot chef, a robot maid
Then one night on a dare
I made my robots self-aware
And it wasn't really planned,
But now the robots rule the land
And we're happier than we've ever been

There was fighting, sure, at first
When the bots conquered the Earth
All the people thought we're doomed
That by robots we'd be consumed
But we humans had no chance
Robots stunned us with a glance
And after the human's final stand
It was the robots ruled the land
Now we're happier than we've ever been
That's the last war that we've seen
By decree of robot queen
All the studies now do show
That at ruling, humans blow
Law's more carefully applied
With a logic-loving guide
Now with an impartial hand
It's the robots rule the land
Now we're happier than we've ever been

External Links

Pumpkin, Mrs. Farnsworth

(MP3 Files)
Lyrics: Casey B - from a dream by Gokmop the Irrefrangible
Arrangements:
  • version 1: Casey B
  • version 2, version 3: jwgh
  • Nose flute on version 3: Jeremy Impson
  • Album: Needs More Wanger

    Gokmop the Irrefrangible (aka John D Salt) wrote in April 2003:

    I had an odder-than-usual dream last night.
    It involved a parlour-game, which I should think would need quite a large and well-furnished parlour for the game to work successfully.
    The game is called "Pumpkin, Mrs. Farnsworth". It needs numerous players of all sexes to play it, and somebody called Mrs. Farnsworth, who carries a plate of cakes and distributes them among the party.
    The object of the game is for pairs of players to secretly have sex with each other without being noticed, and then shout "pumpkin!" before Mrs. Farnsworth can offer them a cake.
    It all seemed much less impractical in my dream than it does now.
    I expect some bloody Freudian will come along with their psychoanalysis hat on in a minute and claim that dreaming about secret sex acts in a well-furnished parlour is symbolical of some kind of repressed fascination with railway engines, or something.

    This inspired Casey B to write some lyrics based on the dream. And there things sat until mid-July 2003, at which time (unbeknownst to each other) Casey B and jwgh each recorded an interpretation of the lyrics:

    The London Share House Mix, Casey's version, which has sort of a mellow punkish flavor, and The English Country Garden Mix, jwgh's version, which is more folkish and angsty (because, jwgh explains, "I am JUST NOT THAT PUNK.")

    A week later jwgh assembled another version which has the same melody and structure as his first version. This new version incorporated some nose flute samples that Jeremy D. Impson contributed to the Interrobang Cartel Cause and became known as:

    The Spaghetti West End Mix (so dubbed by Casey B because of the strange backing vocals which reminded him of the soundtrack to "The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly" and other spaghetti westerns).

    All three recordings were included in Interrobang Cartel's first album, Needs More Wanger.

    Lyrics

    (to be sung/shouted in bog-English)

    Meet me by the bookshelf
    at the south end of the room
    Slip behind the sofa
    in the early evening gloom
    Tongue my genitalia,
    make me shudder, make me shake:
    Pumpkin, Mrs. Farnsworth!
    I now require a cake.
    We might just sit together
    drinking tea and making time:
    Such delightful weather!
    Why, the company's sublime!
    Can you lean a little that way?
    If you just... oh yes... that's nice...
    Pumpkin, Mrs. Farnsworth!
    I need a second slice.
    I'll sneak behind my brother
    As he gazes at the lawn
    With lib'ral use of butter
    he'll forgive me in the morn.
    For here it's win, or pack it in,
    you're either champ or chump:
    Pumpkin, Mrs. Farnsworth,
    if kin are there to pump.
    And no-one knows, and so it goes,
    all night and into day:
    Pumpkin, Mrs. Farnsworth!
    (In fact, just leave the tray.)

    Pigskin Loofah

    (MP3: Rip Cut) (MP3: Buzz Cut)

    Lyrics: Stacia

    Arrangement: jwgh (Rip Cut), Not R (Buzz Cut)

    Album: Needs More Wanger

    Stacia wrote the lyrics in April 2003. jwgh then recorded a bluesy version (the Rip Cut) and Not R recorded a more punkish version (the Buzz Cut) in July of 2003.

    Lyrics

    Your shit it stinks
    It's freezer cold
    White collar bimbo
    Corporate limbo

    Fucking wicker furniture and doilies
    Doesn't hide a soul that's oily
    You chap my ass
    Like a pigskin loofah
    College graduate
    Hotel management
    Put your change
    In your 401K
    Investment brokers are portfolio pimps
    Internet wunderkinds with the brains of chimps
    You chap my ass
    Like a pigskin loofah
    SCRUBBIE! SCRUBBIE! SCRUBBIE! SCRUBBIE!
    LOOFAH! LOOFAH! LOOFAH! LOOFAH!
    CLEANSE MY SOUL!
    CLEANSE MY SOUL!
    Little bo pig won't you come out and play
    PIGGIE! PIGGIE! PIGGIE! PIGGIE!
    Need the power of the pig to exfoliate my mind
    LOOFAH! LOOFAH! LOOFAH! LOOFAH!
    CLEANSE MY SOUL!
    CLEANSE MY SOUL!

    Young Human Body Transplant 13

    Chalice of Fire

     

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: Matt Mc Irvin

    Arrangement: Casey B

    Nose flute: Jeremy Impson

    Album: Needs More Wanger

    (comments from ZIP: "Chalice of Fire was the first of Matt Mc Irvin's lyrics to be set to music (by Casey B). Matt describes how this song came to be:

    SUPER AMAZING JULY 2003 NEWS FLASH: A.r.k's own Casey B. recorded "Chalice of Fire"!

    Note: The day before my wedding in July 2000, there appeared the eagerly awaited fourth Harry Potter book, which was something about a goblet of fire. They can't fool me; obviously it was actually a chalice. Apparently the nostalgic exercise reproduced below was actually a prescient glimpse of fin-de-siècle mania. I am better at forecasting trends than Trend Forecaster Barbie!

    Either that or I was just accidentally pretending to be Unitarian.

    I should also mention that I was definitely imagining the instrumental bridge of my song as having been lifted from the Steve Miller Band's "Abracadabra." But since it was all in my head, they can't sue me! The true Napster is in your mind!

    By the way, Karlo Takki's quoted power ballad was the brilliant result of a challenge to write a song from vocabulary taken entirely from the headers of some post.

      Subject: Re: WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH QQ?
      From: Matt McIrvin <mmcirvin@world.std.com>
      Date: Mon, 24 Nov 1997 01:30:47 GMT
      Karlo Takki <ktakki@artcrime.com> wrote:
         [slow metal Guns 'n' Roses-like power ballad in E min.]
         [singer MUST have shirt unbuttoned to waist -- THIS IS IMPORTANT]
         Any subject, any date,
         I can do this for you.
         Any lines, any path,
         I can do this for you.
         Jan, if I can, if I may,
         I can be,
         With you.
         With you.
    

    Aw, man, I hate how now these days all songs have to be about love or something. I miss the Eighties. In the Eighties you could have that kind of song, but you could also sing a song that was about absolutely nothing at all and made no sense, and nobody would even think that you were cerebral or quirky or David Byrne, provided that every individual word in the song was a sufficiently rad-i-kool word.

    As evidence I offer the following unrecorded song, which I wrote on the tour bus while I was the lead singer of "The Fixx," shortly before I quit and joined "Loverboy" because they had a better dental plan and more POW-WUH. I now consider this to be the anthem of a generation. Maestro?

    An unrelated group of people had an entertaining and horrified discussion about the song which I recommend reading as well.")

    Lyrics

    [synthetic throbbing and percussion]

    She runs in the shadow of a motorized race
    The light of the fire in an enemy's face
    The moon flies a shiver of electrical night
    There's lace in the leather and it makes it all right
    Ohhhh, and you're running
    Running on a serious wire
    Ohhhh, and you're running
    Running through a chalice of fire
    There's a shot on the water and a bolt in the heart
    Mind over matter is the dangerous part
    And the line in the mirror is a sliver of steel
    Now she remembers how the innocent feel
    Ohhhh, and you're running
    Running on a serious wire
    Ohhhh, and you're running
    Running through a chalice of fire
    A laser in the night
    We bring it to the fight
    Whether we're WRONG OR RIIIIIGGGHT--
    [cool noises for about twenty seconds]
    Ohhhh, and you're running
    Running on a serious wire
    Ohhhh, and you're running
    Running through a chalice of fire
    [repeat and fade out]

    Commentary

    CB comments:
    Hold on to your leg-warmers...
    This is the Vangelis-meets-Ultravox-with-Simon-Le-Bon-on-vocals version.
    AFAIK, there are other versions coming.
    Oh, and the lyrics are here:
    http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/kibology/eighties.html (this site does not exist except in archive.org)
    And.... sorry.
    Love,
    Casey B

    Not to be confused with Lee "Scratch" Perry's 1982 reggae song, Chalice a Fire.

    Beep

    (MP3)

    Lyrics, Arrangement: Kerri

    Album: Needs More Wanger

    Kerri recorded a song called "Beep" and provides the following commentary:

        I submit to you for inclusion in some Interröbang Cartel thingie, the following song. It is called, intuitively enough, "Beep". 
    
        It's a commentary on how ANNOYING life is with all the things we have beeping at us. The timer, the alarm clock, the computer, the phone, and EVERYTHING ELSE. I'm sure it will make sense, in a lyrical context. 
    

    The lyrics are as follows:

    : Beep.

    (MP3 here.)

    320 World

    (MP3)

    Lyrics, Arrangement: Akaishi

    Vocals: Not R

    additional vocals by Kerri and jwgh

    Album: Needs More Wanger

    Chorus will be shouted by everyone within the venue in which it is played.

    ;; Fear, platter of the day
    nineteen bucks but more tomorrow!
    ;; Hurry out and make a fuss
    We love it all more share for us
    Chase a car! Crash a truck!
    People die, why give a fuck?
    ;Chorus:
    ;; Death! Death!
    Destruction! Death!
    Disease!
    ;; <Cut instruments, distorted & spoken (preferably by geraldo)> And now, Here's kittens! </d&d>
    ;; Here's a drug to make you live
    Not tested yet, hope U got time
    Sign up today, be a test case!
    Might save your life, might kill you faster
    Just hope we got exclusive rights
    To show you what'll happen after...
    ;<drum, guitar fill-in>
    ;CHORUS
    ;; Great new bug on the east coast
    Death toll's rising, what's it matter?
    Smile a little wider bitch!
    You live in california anyway!
    So here's the tall guy
    on the scene! Gasmask, flak vest
    He's protected. Man with a gun!
    Get the tape! Splattered brains!
    Bring it live! Film at 11!
    ;CHORUS
    ;<musical interlude>
    ;CHORUS
    ;<cut short>
    ;<crowd goes wild>

    The George Hammond Conspiracy

    Media

    (MP3)

    Song Info

    Lyrics, Arrangement: Casey B

    Album: Needs More Wanger

    On June 30th, 2002, scientific divinity theorist George Hammond proclaimed thusly:

    "It took 4 years before Einstein's theory was recognized. I'm in my third year of publication (on the internet). That makes one year to go before I'm headline news in every newspaper in the world. "

    Sadly, on June 30th, 2003, George Hammond was not headline news in every newspaper in the world. For those who wanted the truth - for those who could handle the truth - Interrobang Cartel released "The George Hammond Conspiracy" on that day.

    Lyrics

    When physics meets religion
    there are sceptics all around
    for some it's superstition
    and for some it's holy ground
    But George Hammond was a patient man
    he churned and turned the sod
    and in the earth he found the proof
    the Scientific Proof of God
    When physics meets religion
    there are sets of rolling eyes
    too hard to seek the truth of proof
    too hard despising lies
    but George found the solution
    where no-one else had trod
    the perfect space, the simple place,
    the Scientific Proof of God
    it's the George Hammond conspiracy
    the truth that they won't let you see
    GOD=Guv
    no matter what they say
    it's the George Hammond conspiracy
    but behind the cloak of secrecy
    GOD=Guv
    it's always been that way
    When commerce meets instruction
    and commercials must be run
    there are sponsors to be honoured
    there are things that must be done
    there are stories to be trumpeted
    and stories to protect
    but don't think we're not aware now
    don't think we're not aware now
    don't think we're not aware now
    greater intellect
    it's the Flynn Effect
    When physics meets religion
    there are secrets by the score
    there are those with firm investments
    in the politics of war
    but before we trawl the deserts
    with the high divining rod
    we should think instead of what George said
    the Scientific Proof of God
    it's the George Hammond conspiracy
    the truth that they won't let you see
    GOD=Guv
    no matter what they say
    it's the George Hammond conspiracy
    but behind the cloak of secrecy
    GOD=Guv
    it's Equation Of The Day
    it's a brand new way to pray
    and it's always been that way

    The George Hammond conspiracy continues to this day.

    COMAR

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: Eddie "Hi There" Lowther

    Arrangement: Casey B

    Album: Needs More Wanger

    Eddie "Hi There" Lowther wrote these lyrics on April 17 2003, basing them in part on IRS and State of Maryland regulations concerning the distribution of liquor. Casey B then recorded them a week later. This recording was included on Interrobang Cartel's first CD, Needs More Wanger.

    Its title sometimes appears in all caps and sometimes with only the first letter capitalized, and sometimes with a final ':' and other times without. In the original post containing its lyrics the title was given as 'COMAR:'.

    Lyrics

    "A!" A quote Supplier will be licensed
    or a dealer or wholesaler
    of a brand of wine or distiller
    of spirits
    or just a seller to a dealer
    or wholesaler here in MARYLAND
    (Instrumental solo - Accordian)
    "Bee!" If Mr. S got to change licensed wholesaler or franchiser
    to sell some kind of wine or something that is finer
    He's gotta give thirty days.
    (Gotta give thirty days)
    Of notice of this intention
    (Gotta give thirty days?)
    Registered mail!
    (Gotta give, gotta give)
    To Alchohol and Tobacco Tax Unit!
    "See!"
    If you, Mr. C. discontinue sale of wine
    (Or gotta quit something finer)
    Give the man 30 days again
    (But gotta mention new supplier)
    Indeedy Section "D" (Please sample Ben Stein for this line. Only)
    If they say that thirty down
    is crushing you in town
    Comptroller comptroller comptroller.
    Proof of spirits - put writing
    don't get lawyers - no fighting!
    Circumstances warrant - potato fluid not for lighting!
    "Eeeeeee!" (fade to...)
    ...affected by the procedure set forth in this regulation
    which is in the outgoing wholesaler's inventory on vacation.
    On or before the conclusion of this notice period
    shall be purchased and paid for by the supplier or incoming wholesaler
    at the laid-in cost of the out-going wholesaler
    before the in-coming wholesaler is allowed to distribute the product
    in the Maryland market.
    (deep breath)
    If a supplier, other than the current brand owner or authorized agent,
    acquires a brand and wants to designate a wholesaler other than the existing wholesaler,
    the supplier may not file the brand under Regulation .05 of this chapter,
    until the supplier or incoming wholesaler has purchased the inventory of the outgoing
    wholesaler at the laid-in cost of the outgoing wholesaler.
    "Section F & G" Ignore those rules if they don't apply!

    Free Your Cones

    MP3

    Lyrics: Karlo X / Dean Lenort

    Arrangement: jwgh

    Album: Needs More Wanger

    Dean Lenort suggested that a song sketch Karlo X posted a while ago be fleshed out and made use of. ZIP DRIVE CLICK OF DETH then made a demo recording of it. Here's what Dean had to say about it:

    ;Karlo is the man you really need for this effort as he is Kibology's undisputed
    king of rockenroll. I'm sure you'll agree when you look at the snippets of
    Kibological lyrics that I've included below. The entire post can be found at:
    Message-ID: 8F9FBB5Cktakki@216.206.190.193
    but I've helpfully included the part you'll need to get started on the lyrics.
    ; SINGER: So, I was sitting by the river...
    [...]
    SINGER: ...and there was this lonely orange cone...
    [...]
    SINGER: ...and I wrote these lyrics...
    [...]
    SINGER: [picks up acoustic and starts strumming out-of-tune chords]
    [...]
    SINGER: [singing] ...the cones, the cones, we set them free...
    [...]
    SINGER: [singing] ...let me feed from the durian of your heart...
    ;Of course they need to be fleshed out a bit, but as you can see there's some
    excellent:seed material there. Why these words beg to be set to dueling
    theremins!

    The Final Frontier

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: Casey B

    Arrangement: Casey B

    (Original Song: A. Courage)

    This one's fairly self-explanatory.

    Love is the final frontier, a brave and exciting idea; the feeling is indubitably true, though the logic's unclear.

    I know love uncovers your soul, of your heart surrenders control; it turns friendships to duels, princes to fools, it can swallow you whole.

    So how, in the face of it now, can I cope with my heartbeat in rhythm with yours?

    Why, with my logical mind, can I no longer point out its rational flaws?

    This must be evidence of a much greater force from above that so compels me to go where I've not gone (before): boldly falling in love, boldly falling in love.

    The Last Days Of The Crazy People's Supermarket

    http://www.interrobangcartel.com/album/supermarket_cover_thumb.jpg

    After the astounding critical acclaim the band received following Needs More Wanger, the artists got a bit cocky and decided to venture into strange territory, with more sound collages than the previous album and several very edgy, "out there" tracks, intermixed with blues and folk tracks that, normally, would seem mainstream, but which seemed bizarre in their context. This project eventually coalesced into The Last Days Of The Crazy People's Supermarket. New talent also surfaced during this phase, with guitarists Manfire, Charlie, and M Otis Beard joining the band.

    The album opens with the enormous group effort "The Sun! She Explode!", with vocals by the entire eastern seaboard. This moved into the rousing a capella folk song "The Ballad of the Eire Canal" and its NES-style reprise, then into the first of the sound collages, "Green Meat Sandwich". Also featured on the album were three versions of the tribute to the time-travel spammer, "Rewind", the rantish "Peroxide Piranha" and "Fuck the Bees", the bitter melancholy of "Planting Geraniums" and "Not Bitter Blues", the Puckettesque "Cal-Dal", a techno foray called "Eighth Rank", a synthpolka called "Not a Tuba Player", the elaborate avante garde experiments "She's a Geek Freak" and "Captain Marvel's Lament", and the simple guitar pieces "Hole in My Black Levis" and "Editors at War".

    The band also released a promotional single with radio edits of two songs with swears in them: Swat the Bees / Peroxide Piranha (clean version). A cover of The Final Frontier was cut at the last moment because of legal complications, although the band did get to perform the song live on Walter Koenig's hep talk show, Koenig After Hours.

    The title of the album came from the subject of this post from James 'Kibo' Parry.

    Credits

    1. The Sun! She Explode!
    2. Ballad of the Eire Canal (a capella)
    3. Ballad of the Eire Canal (NES)
    4. Green Meat Sandwich
    5. Rewind (Simonesque)
      • Lyrics: Talysman / "Arrangement and Vocals: jwgh / Additional vocals: Kerri
    6. Peroxide Piranha (unclean version)
    7. Fuck The Bees
    8. Planting Geraniums
      • Lyrics: Doctroid / Arrangement: Casey B
    9. Not Bitter Blues
    10. I Wanna Get Your Cal-Dal
      • Lyrics, Arrangement: Manfire (baed on a dream about Gary Puckett)
    11. Eighth Rank
    12. I'm Not a Tuba Player, But I Play One On TV
      • Lyrics: swt and Doctroid / Arrangement: Doctroid / Additional vocals: jwgh
    13. Rewind (eltonian remix)
    14. She's A Geek Freak
    15. Captain Marvel's Lament
      • Lyrics: jwgh / Arrangement: Not R
    16. Hole in My Black Levis
    17. Editors at War
    18. Rewind (ROKK!)
      • Lyrics: Talysman / Arrangement and Vocals: jwgh / Guitar: Charlie

    Booklet front cover art: Kerri's friend Robin. Booklet back cover art: TWillis. Inside photo: Doctroid. CD back cover art: Window. All songs and artwork copyright ©2003, 2004 by their various creators.

    The Sun! She Explode!

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: M Otis Beard Arrangement, vocals: Kerri Additional vocals: Everyone Album: The Last Days Of The Crazy People's Supermarket

        She sits and sighs and pets her dog 
        It's cold outside, she wipes the fog 
        From the frozen window. Snow is fall-ing 
        Oh! What a dreary day 
        If only she could go outside and play... [vocal fades into sounds of laughing children] 
        Her daydreams all turn summerish 
        She sits and sighs and makes a wish 
        That flies so high the eye can hardly foll-ow 
        Oh! Bring us a sunny day 
        Ninety-three million miles, so far away... 
    

    (Fast and hard bit):

        THE SUN! SHE EXPLODE! 
        THE SUN! SHE EXPLODE! 
        THE SUN! SHE EXPLODE! 
        THE SUN! SHE EXPLODE! 
    

    (Insane panicked jam)

        Burning buildings burning streets 
        Burning faces burning feets 
        Burning ears and burning hair 
        Burning water burning air 
    
        THE SUN! SHE EXPLODE! 
        THE SUN! SHE EXPLODE! 
        THE SUN! SHE EXPLODE! 
        THE SUN! SHE EXPLODE! 
    

    REPRISE/CODA:

        A dog is man's best friend tonight 
        Inside a dog there is no light 
        So wipe away that boiling tear 
        We'll all be safe and cool in here my dear 
    

    [HUGE EXPLOSION] Additional vocals:

    00:50 - Edrex 00:54 - Manfire 00:59 - RevJack 01:03 - lcrl 01:08 - swt 01:12 - Madge 01:16 - Ed H. 01:20 - Carole 01:33 - Ellie 01:37 - Orlando 01:39 - Plorkwort 01:41 - Tildy 01:45 - Akaishi 01:52 - Zixia 01:55 - M Otis Beard 01:58 - jwgh 02:02 - Muffy 02:05 - Doctroid 02:09 - Spudley

    Burning Hair - Seth Burning Air - Scott

    Ballad of the Eire Canal

    Green Meat Sandwich

    "Green Meat Sandwich" MP3

    Lyrics: TWillis

    Arrangement: Talysman

    Album: The Last Days Of The Crazy People's Supermarket

    Terri Willis (robot Terri, not meat Terri) wrote the following lyrics, which Talysman later recorded, much to everyone's surprise. although the lyrics could have worked as a punk or metal tune, the final product turned out to be a sound collage-style composition, with sound sample's of Talysman's voice under various distortions.

    Green meat! Sandwich! Lunchtime! Deathwish! Toxic! Garnish!

    Eat It Eat It Eat It Eat It Eat It Eat It Eat It Eat It Eat It Eat It Eat It Eat It Eat It Eat It Eat It Eat It Vending machine carousel RENEW!

    Rewind

    Peroxide Piranha

    Fuck The Bees

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: jwgh / Zixia

    Arrangement: jwgh

    Album: The Last Days Of The Crazy People's Supermarket

    In April of 2003, a few people complained that, for a band that was supposed to be an International USENET Punk Band, Interrobang Cartel didn't seem to have a lot of punk songs written or recorded. Fuck The Bees was jwgh's attempt to fill that gap.

    The lyrics went unrecorded for many months. Then one day jwgh was exposed to the Brooklyn Funk Essentials song 'I Got Cash' and he realized that the lyrics could be taken in a different, non-punk, direction.

    The resulting recording was made in January and was assembled using Apple's Garage Band product. (jwgh speculates that it might have been one of the first thousand songs recorded in Garage Band, but there is no evidence for this one way or the other.) A highlight of the recording might be the heavily processed whistling solo in the middle, which was intended to stand in for the theremin solo called for in the original written lyrics.

    After jwgh recorded Fuck The Bees he then recorded a radio-safe version, Swat The Bees.

    Lyrics

        I get these headaches!
        After these gigs!
        They make me angry!
        You fucking pigs! 
    
        FUCK THE BEES!
        FUCK THE BEES!
        FUCK THE BEES! 
    
        Stupid sinuses!
        Why can't you go away!
        Worthless Ibuprofin!
        Why can't I get laid!? [<- NOTE USE OF INTERROBANG] 
    
        FUCK THE BEES!
        FUCK THE BEES!
        FUCK THE BEES! 
    
        I guess I could stop playing loud music!
        But that's just what they're expecting!
        Or maybe it's the pengins
        Hanging from my nose ring! 
    
        FUCK THE BEES!
        FUCK THE BEES!
        FUCK THE BEES! 
    

    [THEREMIN SOLO, FOLLOWED BY A SCREAMING ROW BETWEEN THE GUITAR PLAYER AND THE SINGER]

        Maybe I could think of better words!
        If my head wasn't pounding so much!
        It's really hurting a lot!
        I can't even think of a fucking rhyme! 
    
        FUCK THE BEES!
        FUCK THE BEES!
        FUCK THE BEES! 
    

    [A FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT; THE SONG ENDS AMIDST CHAOS]

    Planting Geraniums

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: Doctroid

    Arrangement: Casey B

    Album: The Last Days Of The Crazy People's Supermarket

    In a discussion of Needs More Wanger on ARK, Stacia (author of the Pigskin Loofah lyrics) wrote:

        I have no comment on "[[Pigskin Loofah]]", because I am still horrified that people used their mighty musical talents on lyrics so spectacularly lame. They could have been doing something useful, like playing solitaire, or planting geraniums, instead. 
    

    Doctroid liked that last sentence and responded with lyrics for a song called "Planting Geraniums". Stacia responded

                 _________________
                |                 |
                |        I        |
                |      THINK      |
                |       YOU       |
                |      STINK      |
                |_________________|
    

    which, coming from Stacia, is probably high praise.

    "I think I was aiming for something that, while not punk, at least had some of that old countercultural angst to it. Tongue not entirely in cheek, though not entirely out either." -- Doctroid

    Planting Geraniums lyrics by Doctroid Doctroid Holmes

    They all irritate me Talking on their folding cell phones Instant message from the back row And they aren't really here

    They all irritate me With their precious little theories Make us happy little robots All with happy self esteem

       And they could have been
       Doing something useful
       Doing something useful
       Planting geraniums
    

    They annoy me now Driving like they're crazy Cross the double yellow Just to stop first at the light

    They annoy me now Standing clapping at the concerts Yelling when I'm trying to listen To the guys up on the stage

       And they could have been
       Doing something useful
       Doing something useful
       Planting geraniums
    

    They're all criminals Bleeding dry the corporation Hiding in corrupt accounting You won't take your pension home

    They're all criminals All their lies and their hypocrisy Amend the constitution Just to win one in the fall

       And they could have been
       Doing something useful
       Doing something useful
       Planting geraniums
    

    External Links * "Planting Geraniums" thread

    Not Bitter Blues

    (MP3)

    Arrangement: Charlie

    Album: The Last Days Of The Crazy People's Supermarket

    This was Charlie's initial solo contribution to the Interrobang Cartel project. The idea of Not Bitter seemed the perfect theme for a Bluesy type of song. In the beginning there was an idea of lyrics but they never developed, so it has remained an instrumental.

    I Wanna Get Your Cal Dal

    Eighth Rank

    "Eighth Rank" MP3

    Lyrics, Arrangement: Tagutcow

    Album: The Last Days Of The Crazy People's Supermarket

    "Eighth Rank" is a techno composition with sound samples created by Tagutcow, who comments:

    The set of instructions that came with a chess set I had started with the words "Chess symbolizes warefare." This, I thought, begged to be said in a huge, basso, bombastic voice. Vocal help courtesy of my sister.

    I'm Not a Tuba Player, But I Play One On TV

    She's A Geek Freak

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: Doctroid, Major Zed

    Arrangement: Major Zed

    Additional vocals: Doctroid

    Album: The Last Days Of The Crazy People's Supermarket

    Soon after the release of Needs More Wanger, Doctroid noticed no one yet had written a song for the title 'She's a Geek Freak' suggested by Casey B. He decided to do so.

    Shortly thereafter he sent the lyrics to his old friend Major Zed who was so impressed by them he immediately wanted to do a complete rewrite. Doctroid collaborated in this, and then Major Zed made a recording.

    Most of the vocals are synthesized, though Doctroid's and Major Zed's voices, heavily processed, are used in the intro/outro and bridge, respectively.

    She's a Geek Freak

    Revised lyrics by Doctroid and Major Zed, based on original lyrics by Doctroid

    ...Copy down and copy down and copy down and copy down...
    Copy down and copy down and copy over in your room and
    Read it damn it read it gotta know it get it grok[1] it gotta
    Think about it think about it learn to do it soon
    Well she knows he knows he knows it and she knows he thinks he's got it
    So she wants to get him somewhere tell him she wants to see his software
    She can't grep[2] a spool[3] in Unix[4] still she feels some real magnetics
    She's a geek freak, maybe show him some hooter
    She's a geek freak, by the supercomputer
    She's a geek freak, and she needs a nerd to love tonight
    With her freckled tomboy cheekbones and a dose of female hormones
    She goes looking for the doughboy with his janky[5] shirt and corduroy
    Hair a nightmare, bad complexion but she's 404[6] on finding him
    She's a geek freak, tries to be an attractor[7]
    She's a geek freak, at the breeder reactor
    She's a geek freak, and she needs a nerd to love tonight
    Left cosets[8] regular polytopes,[9] knot invariants[10] and Cauchy sequences[11]
    Right cosets[8] regular polytopes, knot invariants and Cauchy sequences
    Butterfly catastrophe,[12] Grassman bundle surgery[13]
    Normal subgroups[8] regular polytopes, knot invariants and Cauchy sequences
    So she tries the T.A.s[14] later says as far as commutators[8]
    Go she doesn't see the point so could they talk about neutrinos[15]
    Maybe slip one in her pocket - maybe give them both what they wanted
    She's a geek freak, get a little romantic
    She's a geek freak, with a quantum mechanic
    She's a geek freak, and she needs a nerd to love tonight
    Copy down and copy down and copy over in your room and
    Read it damn it read it gotta know it get it grok it gotta
    Think about it think about it learn it do it soon
    Well she....

    FOOTNOTES:

    (1.) Grok - understand. From Heinlein's "Stranger in a Strange Land"

    (2.) Grep - search command in Unix

    (3.) Spool - temporary file serving as a queue, e.g., printer output

    (4.) Unix - a real computer operating system

    (5.) Janky - of inferior quality ('90s slang)

    (6.) 404 - clueless. From web browser "404: Object Not Found" error message

    (7.) Attractor - subset of a phase space approached asymptotically by a dynamical system.

    (8.) Left coset, right coset, normal subgroup, commutator - left cosets are aG, right cosets are Ga, a subroup G is normal if aG=Ga, a commutator is an element of the form (a)(b)(a^-1)(b^-1). This is all jargon from mathematical group theory (abstract algebra) which is important in quantum physics, God only knows why.

    (9.) Regular polytopes - N-dimensional generalization of regular polygons

    (10.) Knot invariants - quantities defined on knots that are the same for equivalent forms of the knot. For example, crossing number is the minimum number of crossings in a diagram of the knot. Boy scouts could be physicists.

    (11.) Cauchy sequence - a mapping from counting numbers to a metric space where for any epsilon>0 there is an N such that... oh, never mind.

    (12.) Butterfly catastrophe - one of the basic surfaces in Rene Thom's classification theorem (catastrophe theory). Not related to the "butterfly effect" (a butterfly flaps its wings and causes a hurricane). Not really, anyway.

    (13.) Grassman bundle surgery - the Grassman manifold is the set of linear subspaces of a vector space. A bundle is locally a product of a vector space and a manifold. Surgery is the topological operation of defining the global structure of connectivity of a bundle. Think Moebius strip. Glad you asked?

    (14.) T.A. - teaching assistant, typically an underpaid, overworked graduate student

    (15.) Neutrino - chargeless, massless subatomic particle traveling at the speed of light. No, wait, it has a little bit of mass and it goes almost at the speed of light. But it has no charge. They think. Better check back next month.

    External Links

    Captain Marvel's Lament

    "Captain Marvel's Lament" MP3

    Lyrics: jwgh

    Arrangement: Not R

    from an idea by Kibo / Cat Stevens

    Album: The Last Days Of The Crazy People's Supermarket

    jwgh wrote the following after Kibo described a Cat Stevens song he had just heard. Not R later set it to music.

        I used to cry because I have no gloves 
        Then I met a man who had no brane 
        And it makes me think about my luck 
        HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO EXPLAIN! 
    
        And if I ever lose my hands 
        You'll see me jumping around 
        Yelling, "MY HANDS! MY HANDS! MY HANDS! 
        OW! JEEZ! WHERE ARE MY HANDS?" 
    
        Because I'm lucky just to have my hands. 
        You see? 
        I'm lucky just to have my hands. 
    
        And if I ever lose my legs 
        You'll see my rolling around 
        Yelling, "MY LEGS! MY LEGS! MY LEGS! 
        WHAT'S NEXT, MY FREAKIN' NOSE?" 
    
        Because I'm lucky just to have my legs. 
        You see? 
        I'm lucky just to have my legs. 
    
        And if I ever lose my ears 
        You'll see me walking around 
        With a quizzical look on my face 
        Saying, "EH? HUH? WHAT'D YOU SAY? 
        I'M SORRY, I HAVE NO EARS! SPEAK UP!" 
    
        Because I'm lucky just to have my ears. 
        You see? 
        I'm lucky just to have my ears. 
    
        And if I ever lose my tongue 
        You'll see me running around 
        Humming, "Hmm! Hmm! HMMmMMM HMmMM! 
        HMM HMM HM HMM HMM!" 
    
        Hmm hmm hmm HMMMmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmmm. 
        Hmmm hmm? 
        Hmm HMMmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm. 
    

    Alternate Verse jwgh further notes: Also, the following third verse was originally rejected for having a bit too much of the obvious bag about it, but it may have a certain something.

        And if I ever lose my privates 
        You'll see me running around 
        Screaming, "GAAAAAAAAAAA 
        AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 
        AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 
        AAAAH!" 
    
        Because I'm lucky just to have my privates. 
        You have NO idea. 
        I'm lucky just to have my privates. 
    

    Of course, that would probably lose us some radio play. BOURGEOIS PIGS! I SPIT ON YOUR MIDDLE-CLASS MORALITY! I MAKE WEE-WEE JOKES AT YOUR WEDDING CEREMONIES, SPAWN OF ACCOUNTANTS!

    Hole in My Black Levis

    Editors at War

    "Editors at War" MP3

    Lyrics: Plorkwort Arrangement: jwgh Album: The Last Days Of The Crazy People's Supermarket

    Matt Mc Irvin and Beable van Polasm got into a discussion about the Macintosh text editor BBedit and emacs, leading Plorkwort to write the following ballad, which jwgh then recorded. Finally, Ben Wolfson suggested adding a brief, plinky guitar solo at the end, and jwgh made it so.

        The night was dark and storms were near, 
        And thunder shook the floor. 
        The turbid air was filled with fear, 
        And editors at war. 
    
        With one fell macro, a paragraph filled 
        And BBedit roared; 
        And in gnus a poster was killed 
        In a single keychord. 
    
        Throughout the night, the titans clashed 
        And only dawn would see 
        If BBEdit crashed, by emacs bashed 
        Or who would the victor be. 
    

    External Links

    Interrobang Cartel Tribute Album

    Casey B suggested that Interrobang Cartel might one day record several songs that would later be covered by famous bands and performers as part of an Interrobang Cartel tribute album:

        On Mon, 5 May 2003 12:31:29 +0100, "[[Paddy Smith]]" <pjsmith40 at hotmail.com> had the unmitigated audacity to say: 
    
        Just found this - the BBC have apparently been leaked the tracklisting from the new Interrobang Cartel double flexidisc album: 
    
        http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/2996793.stm 
    
        Does '[[Rules of Naked Petanque]]' signify a prog-rock change of direction for the combo? It sounds ominously like a high-concept (i.e. gatefold) Yes pastiche. Whereas '[[Static Caravan Fan Club]]' is surely a spin-off solo project for a disaffected marimba player. 
    
        Nah, man, the way I figure it, this has fallen through a wormhole. Yes, in a vision unnervingly Wyld-Stalyn-like, we can see the future of Interrobang Cartel in the track-listing of this album - recorded in 2008 by several "old-timers" in tribute to the genius of the Cartel. 
    
        As near as I can figure it: 
    1. Walking With Woodlice - Interrobang Cartel (previously unreleased)
    2. Sausage Calories - Chemical Brothers
    3. Monkey Origami - Supergrass (or possibly Ash)
    4. Queen's Blue Peter Badges - Blur
    5. Black Pudding Throwing - Oasis
    6. Hedgehog Houses - Beck
    7. Ham Sandwich Digestion - The Mamas And The Papas(reformation)
    8. Rules Of Naked Petanque - Stephen Malkmus
    9. Love Of Stones - Black Crowes
    10. UK Places With 'Z' In The Name - They Might Be Giants
    11. How To Be A Texas Ranger - R.E.M.
    12. Tropical Fish Euthanasia - Radiohead
    13. Virtual Geese Honking - Squarepusher
    14. Zebra Races - Flaming Lips
    15. Walking Stick Making - Johnny Cash
    16. Zoo Heaven - The Avalanches
    17. Static Caravan Fan Club - Godspeed You! Black Emperor
    18. Washing Crystal Balls - David Bowie
    19. Hedgerow Hypothesis - King Crimson
    20. Staffordshire Bull Terrier Portraits - XTC

        Of course, my crystal ball may not be very clear.... hey, that gives me an idea for a song! 
    
        Now, if we refuse to write any of these songs, will we distort the fabric of time and space? Are such time-travel paradoxes resolvable? Is the plural of paradox paradoxes? Discuss. 
    
        Love, 
    
        Casey B 
    

    Talysman later issued a challenge to complete all the lyrics for the huge pile of song titles people had suggested as the next Interrobang Cartel song. Unwilling to simply issue challenges without contributing, he churned out lyrics for most of the 20 songs listed; he also recorded Sausage Calories, Zoo Heaven, and a rough cut of Virtual Geese Honking as avant-garde sound collages.

    Tim Chmielewski wrote alternate versions for Zebra Races, Hedgehog Houses, Tropical Fish Euthanasia and Monkey Origami.

    Talysman's MP3s list the album title as "All Hail ?!: The Interrobang Cartel Tribute Album", which puts the Cartel in the odd position of recording a tribute to themselves. Here's how that came about: Sometime in 2005, IBC's record company issued "All Hail ?!: IBC Tribute Album". The accompanying press release described it as "a tribute to one of the music industry's finest bands, performed by world-reknowned artists and groups who credit IBC as one of their primary influences" but went on to say "the performers, in honor of IBC's paramount position in the musical stratosphere, have chosen to remain anonymous for this recording". This resulted in a frenzy of speculation among IBC fans worldwide, who eventually agreed (with near, but not complete, unanimity) that Tropical Fish Euthanasia was done by Radiohead, Hedgerow Hypothesis by King Crimson, etc., etc. And supposedly "Walking Stick Making" was the last song ever recorded by the late Johnny Cash.

    And then someone said, "Isn't it uncanny how so many of those bands managed to have their vocalist sound so much like Casey?" and someone else said, "Hey, wait a minute..."

    And sure enough, the hoax was exposed: The "world-reknowned" artists who had recorded the IBC tribute album were the members of IBC themselves, doing pastiches of nineteen other artists (and themselves). Predictably, about half the IBC fan base was outraged, burning their CDs (literally burning) in protest, boycotting the band's concerts, threatening to sue the band and the record company and Apple Computer, while the other half just sat back and had a good hard laugh.

    But the final joke happened a few years later, when a reissue of "All Hail" came out. Someone said, "Hey, that doesn't sound quite like Casey..." And sure enough, it wasn't: the bands that had been imitated in the tribute album had secretly recorded their own versions of the songs as a genuine tribute album. Except for Cash, of course, whose place was taken by some guy who by then had made an international name for himself as a Johnny Cash impersonator (and whose idea the project was, actually).

    Or something like that.

    Black Pudding Throwing

    Ham Sandwich Digestion

    Lyrics: Talysman

    Title: Paddy Smith / The BBC

    Recorded as announced on LiveJournal need to get the mp3 not sure who did so.

    Album: Interrobang Cartel Tribute Album

    when you're in the mood for some food and take a break
    to make yourself a simple lunch,
    keep this in mind: when you find the speed to feed
    your need for something to munch,
    about digestion, there really is no question,
    it's useful whenever you eat,
    if it's bread, or if it's meat, or even squeat!
    when you make haste for a taste of meat to heat
    and eat, a ham sandwich is great,
    and I think you might like to bite a little bit
    of it and put it back on your plate,
    sammich digestion, this is my suggestion,
    is useful whenever you eat,
    if it's bread, or if it's meat, or even squeat!
    when you have a bunch of lunch that you must chew,
    please do, and try to take your time,
    just let the bolus thrive on your saliva, swallow all
    the ball, enjoy the taste sublime,
    it will finally rest in your small intestine,
    which dissolves whatever you eat,
    if it's bread, or if it's meat, or even squeat!
    EVEN SQUEAT!

    Hedgehog Houses

    Hedgerow Hypothesis

    How To Be A Texas Ranger

    MP3 Files

    Lyrics: Talysman

    Arrangement: Casey B

    Title: Paddy Smith / The BBC

    Album: Interrobang Cartel Tribute Album

    Lyrics

    I told you I would pack my colt, yeah
    and I slammed the door behind me
    well I never thought I could be stampeded
    always thought it was you I needed
    and maybe it's still the same, yeah
    but I know how to be a texas ranger
    when I have to be
    I thought you were my kimosabe, yeah
    when you rode around on your high horse
    well I never thought I could be stampeded
    always thought it was you I needed
    and maybe tonto is my name, yeah
    but I know how to be a texas ranger
    when I have to be
    well, I always thought we'd fight the world together
    always thought we'd never be apart
    but I knew I had to slip out of your tether
    when you put a silver bullet through my heart
    I said I could never stand against you, yeah
    if you kept on coming after my every word
    well I never thought I could be stampeded
    always thought it was you I needed
    and maybe I'm to blame, yeah
    but I know how to be a texas ranger
    when I have to be
    and I have to be

    Love Of Stones

    Monkey Origami

    Queen's Blue Peter Badges

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: Talysman

    Title: Paddy Smith / The BBC

    Arrangement: Charlie

    Album: Interrobang Cartel Tribute Album

    Lyrics

    I thought I did good
    I got my name on telly
    sent in my letter
    they sent a badge to me

    I was just a kid
    but I felt neater
    they showed my idea
    on blue peter
    it was me and a hundred other kids, yeah
    but we earned our badges, yes we did, yeah
    we thought we were famous, thought we'd made the scene
    then they gave another badge to the freakin' queen
    I thought I was good
    I was a special breed
    I got a big head
    they had planted a seed
    I went to med school
    I felt cocksure
    I fueled my ego
    with exposure
    it was me and a hundred other kids, yeah
    but we earned our badges, yes we did, yeah
    we thought we were famous, thought we'd made the scene
    then they gave another badge to the freakin' queen
    a gold blue peter badge for the freakin' queen
    a gold blue peter badge for the freakin' queen

    Rules Of Naked Petanque

    Sausage Calories

    Staffordshire Bull Terrier Portraits

    Static Caravan Fan Club

    ((vocal version)MP3) ((instrumental) MP3)

    Lyrics / Arrangement / Vocals: Talysman Instrumental Arrangement: Charlie

    Title: Paddy Smith / The BBC

    Album: Interrobang Cartel Tribute Album

    (spoken word over creepy cellos)

    Oh, yes, and strains caused by my anti-godism. I am not concerned with one of the dead or their sore-losers' malevolence, they have tried to attach themselves to me in a dysfunctional static caravan fan club...

    Oh, yes, and I have long been a non-flaming poster--as clueless as I am by definition; that means your reality as you see in my "fan club" or feel in the distinction between alt.usenet.kooks regulars and the "kooks" whose static words entertain the regulars, is strictly illusory anyway, so I don't think *anyone*, even the most famous human cockroach or caravan fans, dives under your misconceptions...

    Oh, yes, and strains can spread confusion and lack of western words to entertain the regulars. And there were voices, and the "kooks" whose static words entertain the mind of lost references. Please allow my static caravan fan club to congratulate myself on the table.

    Oh, yes, and bolt your doors, caravan fans, and dive under your bed, 'cause we're sure as hell ain't going to kiss you if you read my articles of the dead, that troubling distinction between your misconceptions about a sore-losers' malevolence and a city that is like unto a hat. Further--and this point is key for me as a net writer--is that you don't own salt.

    Oh, yes, and someone may be responding to someone's perverted fantasy about me with my "Flame Giant". I can feel the lead. There is no question (by anyone's counting) that I stopped using the figures for the "big hairy man" persona because it involves devising comic results with my eyes.

    Oh, yes, and bolt your doors, caravan fans, and listen to the thunderings. Bolt your doors, dive under your beds. Please allow my static caravan fan club to kiss you... a champion writer will vanish into a hat.

    Tropical Fish Euthanasia

    UK Places With 'Z' In The Name

    Lyrics: Talysman

    Title: Paddy Smith / The BBC

    Recording by Casey B in progress

    Recording by Major Zed: (MP3)

    Album: Interrobang Cartel Tribute Album

    I was watching cable last night
    lost in history on my tv
    when a very pressing question in my brane
    reminded me of geography orthography
    and a riddle of a problem that once puzzled me
    of UK places spelled with Z
    with Z -- that's "zed" when said by british folks
    who live in that country

    it's funny how these questions come
    into my brane like a chain
    of linked ideas that try to puzzle me
    again and again, it's quite insane
    and a riddle of a problem that seems inane
    becomes my sole refrain
    refrain -- that's a chorus in some songs
    you can sing if you don't refrain
    could someone tell me in engerland
    any placenames spelt with zed?
    until you do, this song will run
    in circles in my head
    someday I may set out on a trip
    so that I can see what I can see
    in the united kingdom, overseas
    to find an answer finally scientifically
    to a riddle of a problem that now puzzles me
    of UK places spelled with Z
    with Z -- that's "zed" when said by british folks
    who live in that country

    Virtual Geese Honking

    (MP3)

    Sound Collage: Talysman

    Guitar/Keyboards: jwgh

    Title: Paddy Smith / The BBC

    Album: Interrobang Cartel Tribute Album

    "Virtual Geese Honking" is a sound collage composed for the proposed Interrobang Cartel Tribute Album suggested by Casey B and Paddy Smith (as an elaboration on a list of least-popular search keywords published by the BBC.) Talysman then created a "rough cut" that actually does include the sounds of geese honking jwgh added keyboard and guitar parts to flesh out the track.

    Walking Stick Making

    Walking With Woodlice

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: Talysman

    Title: Paddy Smith / The BBC

    Arrangement: Doctroid

    Album: Interrobang Cartel Tribute Album

    george came down to meet me the other day
    just for a short vacation, he said he couldn't stay
    he had to go back home to a distant galaxy
    back to his home planet (he called it Planet Z)

    he was a woodlouse
    a rolly-poly with a giant brane
    I fainted when I first saw him
    because I thought I'd gone insane
    but george would never hurt me
    as he later would explain
    to harm a sentient being
    would cause him telepathic pain
    george and I went walking the other day
    we went out for a stroll and the hours flew away
    he wanted conversation and enjoyed my company
    he had never met a mammal back on Planet Z
    'cause he's a woodlouse
    a rolly-poly with a jointed shell
    I fainted when I first saw him
    but he turned out to be real swell
    oh, george would never hurt me
    it would put him through such hell
    all he asked was my friendship
    and to walk a little spell
    (spoken):

    (I guess I should explain that technically, george wasn't really a pillbug, sowbug, rolly-poly, or any other kind of woodlouse, he just reminded me of one with his articulated carapace, beady, multifaceted eyes, and multiple legs. george explained to me that his people evolved from what we would call trilobites, which is a kind of paleozoic arthropod. but he never told me much more than that, because he suddenly shrieked with pleasure and ran over to a rotting log, which he began to munch on gleefully.)

    george said goodbye to me the other day
    when we had finished walking and he had had his say
    he thanked me for my hospitality
    he told me I should someday visit Planet Z
    and walk with woodlice
    aliens with public speaking skill
    I won't faint when I next see them
    it will seem like such a thrill
    george said he'd come back to get me
    as he vanished up on that hill
    and I really do believe that
    if I wait for him, he will
    it's been a week now since he left me
    and I am waiting still

    Washing Crystal Balls

    (MP3) Lyrics: Talysman

    Title: Paddy Smith / The BBC

    Arrangement: Major Zed

    Album: Interrobang Cartel Tribute Album

    someone dropped my future in creamy cheese sauce
    now my fortune's smudged!
    (fortune's smudged)
    reply hazy, answer unclear,
    my plans are ruined for another year

    you're a fine girl
    you make my toenails curl,
    so don't give up on me!
    sweet cherry,
    my life is kind of scary,
    please wash the stain from my destiny!
    I see illusions of the life I'd like to lead
    in my crystal ball!
    (crystal ball)
    but now it's dirty and unclean,
    please, let me use your washing machine
    you're a sweet child,
    you're gentle but wild,
    I wish you'd hear my plea!
    sweet cherry,
    I know that you feel wary,
    but wash the stain from my destiny!

    Zebra Races

    Zoo Heaven

    "Zoo Heaven" (MP3)

    Sound Collage: Talysman

    Title: Paddy Smith / The BBC

    Album: Interrobang Cartel Tribute Album

    "Zoo Heaven" is a sound collage composed for the proposed Interrobang Cartel Tribute Album suggested by Casey B and Paddy Smith. It actually clocks in rather long for an Interrobang Cartel song; Talysman is considering redoing an abridged version for easier download.

    The "lyrics" of the composition consist of Talysman repeating "welcome to the zoo... welcome to heaven", interspersed by sound samples from various sources, including a '50s educational film, an unaired TV pilot, and a christian driver's education film.

    Aspartame Placebo

    Track List:

    Angsty Teen Seuss

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: James Vandenberg

    Arrangement: Manfire

    I look at you, you look at me. Look at you, look at me. Look at us. I hate all you, you hate all me. Hate at you, hate at me. Hate at us.

    CHORUS:

    I am in pain, in pain I am. My soul is black, my soul is blue. I am in pain, in pain I am. If I were you, what would you do.

    Are you sure now, now are you sure? Sure as hell, sure as hell, shores of hell. Can't you tell that you can't tell me? Now you tell, now you tell, never tell.

    I have no soul, no soul to sell. Sold on eBay, highest bid, got the lot. Well I'll be fine. Fine, I'll be well. Do you care, do we care, I care not.

    BRIDGE (or poker):

    The cat in the hat came back and he was mad. The cat in the hat don't care if we'd been bad.

    I wish I knew, know what I wish? Will they all, will they all, will they fall? Scream at the sun. Son scream at thee. Kill them all, kill them all, kill us all!

    Comrades with Tractors

     

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

    Arrangement: Talysman

    Tim Chmielewski comments on his lyrics:

        This song is for Mr John Burrage and Interrobang Cartel can use it if they want it. I thought of it after watching the video clip for the Rentals "Friends of P." 
    

    When Talysman recorded the song, he had never heard of the Rentals, so he conceived of it being more like an A-ha! or After The Fire style new wave song.

    Lyrics

    ooh woo hoo hoo

    He's got a brand new tractor He's out planting potatoes No time to stop and chat The party rests for no one

    It's not gonna go for no one Only members of the party It's good for all comrades And I'm mentally singing

    Oh yeah, oh yeah, what’s that you see?" Oh boy, find out, what’s up with me Oh yeah, oh yeah, what’s that you see" Tell me, more of what's gonna be

    If you’re friends with Tractors Well then you’re comrades with me If you’re down with Tractors. Well then you’re down with me Comrades with Tractors. Comrades with Tractors. Comrades with Tractors. comrades ooh woo hoo hoo

    Everyone's got loads of potatoes It's a bountiful harvest I only love the party I will die when I'm 100

    Oh yeah, oh yeah, what’s that you see?" Oh boy, find out, what’s up with me Oh yeah, oh yeah, what’s that you see" Tell me, more of what's gonna be

    If you’re comrades with Tractors. Well then you’re comrades with me If you down with Tractors. Well then you’re down with me Comrades with Tractors. Comrades with Tractors. Comrades with Tractors. Comrades of Tractors.

    If you’re comrades with Tractors. Well then you’re comrades with me If you’re down with Tractors. Well then you’re down with me If you’re comrades with Tractors. Well then you’re comrades with me If you’re down with Tractors. Well then you’re down with me Comrades with Tractors. Comrades with Tractors. Comrades with Tractors. Comrades with Tractors.

    Comrades with Tractors.

    Comrades with Tractors.

    Comrades with Tractors.

    Kibo's Beard Wax

     

    (Kibo's Beard Wax MP3)

    Lyrics: James "Kibo" Parry

    Arrangement: Charlie

    In a posting about his current hair color, Kibo set out a challenge to record a song based on the ingredients of his conditioner/wax (listed below). While he probably uses this on both his hair and beard, I liked the title of the song better this way.

    INGREDIENTS: Water, Cetearyl Alcohol, Polysorbate-60, Behenamidopropylamine Behenate, Stearalkonium Chloride, Cetrimonium Chloride, Cocodimonium Hydrolyzed Hair Keratin, Hydrolyzed Glycosaminoglycans (Hydrolyzed Mucopolysaccharides), Sodium-Coco Collagen Amino Acids, Wheat Germ Fatty Acids, Linoleic Acid, Linolenic Acid, Arachidonic Acid, Squalane, Avocado Oil, Acetamide MEA, Panthenol, Wheat Germ Oil, Jojoba Oil, Tocopherol, Tocopheryl Acetate, Sulfur, Amodimethicone, Polyquarternium-10, Linoleamidopropyl PG-Dimonium Chloride Phosphate, Tallowtrimonium Chloride, Nonoxynol-10, Cocoyl Sarcosine, Sorbitol, Fragrance, Imidazolidinyl Urea, Methylparaben, Propylparaben

    POW WUH

     

    (recording in progress)

    Lyrics: Matt Mc Irvin

    Arrangement: Manfire (in progress)

    Matt Mc Irvin suggested that Interrobang Cartel might want to use some of his lyrics for future recording projects. The first such song to be recorded was Chalice of Fire. POW-WUH would make a fine second McIrvin song, and an early demo by Manfire has actually circulated amongst some band members. It's an excellent heavy metal interpretation of the lyrics. Manfire is adding some finishing touches to the track.

    Lyrics

        I post to Usenet every day 
        Fill cyberspace with POW-WUH!!!! 
        Everybody thinks I'm cool 
        Because I've got that POW-WUH!!!! 
        I'm the ANTIDOTE for BOREDOM, a 
        Convenience store of POW-WUH!!!! 
        I have a hairier chest than you 
        Because of all that POW-WUH!!!! 
    

    (A million idiotic voices yell the refrain:)

        POW-WUH!!!! POW-WUH!!!! POW-WUH!!!! POW-WUH!!!! 
        POW-WUH!!!! POW-WUH!!!! POW-WUH!!!! POW-WUH!!!! 
    
        Nobody ever picks on me 
        They're scared of all my POW-WUH!!!! 
        Or steals the money for my lunch 
        I drive 'em off with POW-WUH!!!! 
        My gym teacher can't scare me 
        I triple him in POW-WUH!!!! 
        The bullies in the locker room 
        Start crying from my POW-WUH!!!! 
    

    (Fireworks explode at the rear of the stage:)

        POW-WUH!!!! POW-WUH!!!! POW-WUH!!!! POW-WUH!!!! 
        POW-WUH!!!! POW-WUH!!!! POW-WUH!!!! POW-WUH!!!! 
    
        Whenever I walk in a room 
        The silence is from POW-WUH!!!! 
        Who cares if I can't drive a stick, 
        The other cars fear POW-WUH!!!! 
        My pimples don't repulse the babes, 
        'Cause they arise from POW-WUH!!!! 
        I don't even have to bathe 
        They only smell the POW-WUH!!!! 
    
        POW-WUH!!!! POW-WUH!!!! POW-WUH!!!! POW-WUH!!!! 
        POW-WUH!!!! POW-WUH!!!! POW-WUH!!!! POW-WUH!!!! 
    

    (singing and music stop, so audience can chant alone:)

        POW-WUH!!!! POW-WUH!!!! POW-WUH!!!! POW-WUH!!!! 
        POW-WUH!!!! POW-WUH!!!! POW-WUH!!!! POW-WUH!!!! 
    

    (Enormous power chord, and heavy reverb on the big finish:)

    POW-WUHWUHWUHWUHwuhwuhwuhwuhwuhwuh.

    Pink Noise

    (MP3)

    Arrangement: Charlie

    Lyrics: Micheal

    Lyrics

    In the morning she comes from a rose colored dream.
    A crying bacon alarm clock from the blankets she creeps
    She's holding a ticket to the nine o' clock train
    And all she could hear was the pink noise
    All she could have was a cold bay shanking
    All she could hear was the pink noise
    and sometimes she's scared of the street where she lives
    A cold chorus of classrooms, an endless echo in bells
    They want her to pay attention, but she can hardly tell
    She looks in their eyes to a mirror maze hell
    And all she can hear is the pink noise
    All she can have is a cold bay shaking
    All she could hear is the pink noise
    And a paperback chair is a lonely man's hell
    (break)
    Her racket of life has caught up and found her
    She can't stand the sights or the sounds that surround her
    She tunes it all out, and drowns in a Sahara
    And she could hear was the pink noise
    And the taunts of the boys
    And she has to pick up her toys
    All she can hear is the pink noise
    In the morning she comes from a rose colored dream
    A crying bacon alarm clock, from the blankets she creeps
    She holding a ticket to the nine o clock train.
    The pink noise
    The pink noise
    The pink noise

    Retract Your Lies

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: Talysman

    Arrangement by Charlie

    Lyrics

    the sight of your username makes me squeal
    RETRACT YOUR LIES!
    I want to love you with six inches of steel
    RETRACT YOUR LIES!
    your rambling jokes fall a little flat
    and I feel the need to tell you that
    I've never met such a ludicrous prat
    RETRACT YOUR LIES!
    I avoid all froups you choose to infest
    RETRACT YOUR LIES!
    reading your prose is an endurance test
    RETRACT YOUR LIES!
    if draining the net of its soul
    and spreading boredom is your goal,
    congratulations, you're an asshole
    RETRACT YOUR LIES!
    buddy, let me tell you
    you're a menace to the net
    you get your kicks molesting kids
    while high on drugs, I bet
    so I'll follow you forever
    and nag you 'til I'm blue
    my sacred role is to call you a troll
    and smack you with my clue
    your continued existence makes me scream
    RETRACT YOUR LIES!
    it's all a part or your twisted scheme
    RETRACT YOUR LIES!
    my sock puppets and I all agree
    a spelling flame should make you flee
    or I will complain to your ISP
    RETRACT YOUR LIES!
    letting you post is so unfair
    it makes me yell and tear my hair
    it's *my* internet, and I won't share!
    RETRACT!
    YOUR!
    LIES!

    Truckstop Birthday

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: Kim

    Arrangement: Charlie

    Album: Aspartame Placebo

    This was created as a tribute to a 40th birthday.

    Lyrics

    Sittin' in a truck stop.
    Breathtaking display of sharp-edged, Precambrian cabbages on the window sill.
    Life at a precipice point.
    Things after today will be different than things were yesterday.
    Shuddering circle of belching, wheeled, obelisks give the place a smoky, haunted druidical feel.
    Thinking about 40 years.
    The sound of choppers - 1965 the first American troops arrive in Vietnam.
    The jungle greets them with scary aggressiveness.
    Did that cabbage just move?
    40 years old.
    A quarter in the jukebox, listening to the relentless, ghost, Beatle's voices.
    Bonanza reruns play on a ceiling mounted tv set, sound turned off.
    40 years gone.
    Born into a world where Malcom and King preach freedom.
    A world where LA had yet to burn. Selma.
    Leoniv in space.
    Can he smell the smoke?
    Does he hear the gunshot?
    Birthday eggs in a diesel powered Stonehenge.
    The coffee as Precambrian as the cabbage.
    I drink it anyway.
    40 years gone.
    Bell bottoms, paisley prints, psychedelic colors and go-go boots - all unsafe at any speed.
    By 75 we'd been to the moon, found only rocks and dust, decided it was time to focus on aerobics and disco.
    Rocky Horror Picture Show, Space 1999 - ten years gone.
    By 1985 a man could wear a pink shirt with white suit and shoes, and still be cool in the Miami heat.
    Swatch, New Coke
    20 years gone
    By 95 computer voice announces "we've got mail."
    Internet, Playstation
    30 years gone.
    Truck stop breakfast.
    Runny eggs and hash browns.
    40 years gone.
    Precambrian friend perched on the windowsill.
    Companion to a slightly misshapen gold foil ashtray.
    A precipice point for you as well.
    Things after today, will be different than yesterday.
    Your life is changing with mine.
    Sop up the last of the egg yoke, with slightly, soggy toast, tuck you under my arm, step out into the asphalt church of interstate transport.
    A stolen cabbage - My birthday present to me.

    Waiting For The Voodoo Dolls

    (MP3)

    Arrangement: Major Zed and Charlie

    Album: Aspartame Placebo

    Lyrics

    Lyrics by Major Zed, rights reserved under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 License (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/3.0/)

    (verse 1:)

    Can you explain,
    why our lives are run by metal brains?
    A billion monkeys hit their keyboards everyday,
    we type away a paper hurricane.
    ;Are we machines?
    And if we are we must have robot dreams.
    Malfunctioning between the twilight and the dawn,
    our visions dance along on neon wings.
    ;(prechorus:)
    ;If I climbed through a hole in the ceiling,
    would it help me get rid of the feeling
    something's missing, something's missing....
    ;(chorus:)
    ;But if the voodoo dolls
    come in the mail today,
    just in time, I had to say.
    It's alright, it's alright.
    Break 'em in half
    because they gotta last.
    Back of the shelf or else they go too fast.
    I'm waitin' for the voodoo dolls,
    I'm waitin' for the voodoo dolls.
    (verse 2:)
    I must admit
    my life goes by while I don't notice it.
    I eat my ice cream then I see the empty plate,
    I can't recall the taste a single bit.
    Am I awake?
    Or does the dream just take on different shapes?
    I seem to remember something 'bout a girl,
    holding all the light in the world, is that insane?
    (prechorus:)
    If I climbed through a hole in the ceiling,
    would it help me get rid of the feeling
    something's listening, something's hissing....
    (chorus:)
    But if the voodoo dolls
    come in the mail today,
    just in time, I had to say.
    It's alright, it's alright.
    Break 'em in half
    because they gotta last.
    Back of the shelf or else they go too fast.
    I'm waitin' for the voodoo dolls,
    I'm waitin' for the voodoo dolls.
    (bridge: spoken word)
    I really only come alive when I'm walking down the bricks to my mailbox.
    The air is a dense medium that flows around me as I propel myself through a multidimensional space.
    I stand taller than normal, my eyes and ears in a separate plane, parallel to this universe.
    My arms and shoulders are charged with ionization as I reach for the handle of the mailbox.
    Will it be there? Will it be there? That little gray box from the big gray box?
    And inside, like sapphires from the moon, those ninety, perfect, little blue voodoo dolls?
    (chorus:)
    'Cause when the voodoo dolls
    come in the mail today,
    just in time, I have to say.
    It's alright, it's alright.
    Break 'em in half
    this time they're gonna last.
    Back of the shelf so they don't go so fast.
    I'm waitin' for the voodoo dolls,
    I'm waitin' for the voodoo dolls.
    (verse 3:)
    Do you believe,
    your mumbled pleas defeat mortality?
    I saw a speeding dumptruck full of cattle bones,
    it had to be an omen, don't you see?
    Am I to blame,
    to chase away these thoughts of future pain?
    I only want to find the formula for hope,
    then toss it down my throat,
    and watch the game.

    Luxury Potato

    Luxury Potato originally showed up as the album name in the Hatefukker remix MP3.

    Here are the current songs listed for the album:

    Bad Coelacanth

    Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: the Sears tool department (was: End-of-year newspaper filler) From: John D Salt Date: 07 Jan 2005 11:42:05 GMT

    k...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote in news:kibo-0701050551370001@10.0.1.2: [Snips]

    Wow, a whole new stubborn stain of IC track titles! Yipperino! I see a Bold New Double Album of Innovative Musical Pieces and Unnecessary Capitalization connected by a cod-operine narrative thread, along the lines of Zappa's "Joe's Garage".

    Bad Coelacanth -- Interrobang Cartel

    Prat 1 -- L'Apres-midi d'un fool

    1. Prelude to the afternoon of a coelacanth
    2. Now I can return my defective ant!
    3. Go past the volvox and the burpo
    4. Slunch appraisal area
    5. Dainty toffee!
    6. Pay her no mind
    7. Welcome to the crotch-kicking department.
    8. You look like a nice gullible person
    9. Go past inflatable wumbles

    Part 2 -- Later that Arvo

    1. Ignore the furlax
    2. Stand on one foot in the eepi department
    3. I just came in to return my defective ant
    4. I wonder what's happening over by the volvox.
    5. The price of Swedish glarno
    6. Stock footage of Queen Elizabeth with OINK, OINK noises
    7. A cow explodes
    8. I skipped lunch for this?

    This album MUST be recorded. The complete absence of lyrics and music and the lack of time, talent, equipment, motivation, organization and money to create them MUST NOT be permitted to obstacle our success.

    I have utilized the management key success methods of SHOUTING WHAT I WANT, saying "utilized" instead of "used", and horribly verbing an innocent noun, so I think I have contributed all I can to the success of the project. If it doesn't happen now, it's all your fault, everyone. You will be hearing from my lawyers.

    Oh yeah, and could someone design an album cover? Pretty please with sugar and threats?

    All the best,

    John.


    As can be seen, the shouting seems to have worked. Tim Chuma has provided copious lyrics. The composition and recordings are in progress. Nothing will "obstacle our success."

    When this is over, we will all blame you, John.

    Charlie.

    Prelude to the afternoon of a coelacanth

     

    (MP3) Lyrics: brni Arrangement: Charlie Album: Bad Coelacanth

    [start w/ "girl from ipanema" playing softly]

    [narrator - voice sounding tinny, as if coming thru very small speakers]

        "First floor, furlax, swoiden and glarno, wigs and haberdashery, going up... 
    
        [bing!] 
    
        Second floor, iftiffle, pliers, ladies' underwear, zumbar and furniture, going up... 
    

    [bing!]

    Third floor, barratry, cooperage and eepi, woxwox and coelacanths, going up...

    [bing!]

    Now I can return my defective ant

    (unrecorded, unfinished)

    Lyrics: brni

    Arrangement: Charlie & brni (in progress)

    Album: Bad Coelacanth

    [Erik Idle]
    Hello Sir, pray do you see
    the Gentleman who not half an hour ago
    within the walls of this fine Establishment
    did sell this very ant to me
    This ant, you see, has got five legs
    and though he seems to get about just fine
    the box clearly indicates that ants have six
    to compensate for having no spine
    five legs, you see, are clearly inferior
    and besides, i can see his interior
    an ant with an intact exoskeleton
    would for my purposes be highly superior
    So pray, Sir, do you see
    the Gentleman who sold to me
    this very very very very very very
    defective ant?
    [clerk]
    sorry, squire, he's left for the day.
    [long pregnant pause]
    [Eric Idle]
    Then, Sir, could you be of help
    I want to return my defective ant
    and exchange him for another
    that is whole in spirit mind and body
    [clerk]
    sorry, squire, defective ant returns
    go past the volvox and the burpo
    through the slunch appraisal area
    and you'll come to ant returns
    [music screaches to a halt]
    [Eric Idle - speaking]
    oh, bother.

    Go past the volvox and the burpo

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: (Instrumental)

    Arrangement: brni and Charlie

    Album: Bad Coelacanth

    Instrumental including the sounds of a washing machine rinse cycle, a hammer banging on a dog crate, and other percussion instruments.

    Slunch appraisal area

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

    Arrangement: Charlie Vocals: Manfire

    Album: Bad Coelacanth

    KEEP YOUR HANDS AND FEET CLEAR OF THE SLUNCH APRAISAL AREA!

    Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum!

    According to the safety instructions you must not look or care either!

    Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum!

    I don't make the rules, just follow them!

    Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum!

    You will have to see the manager if you have any complaints.

    Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum!

    Don't take that tone with me!

    Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum!

    You know what I'm talking about!

    Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum!

    Oh, yes you do!

    Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum!

    Put down that slunch! Don't swing it at me!

    Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum!

    ARRGH! HELP!

    Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum!

    • sirens*

    Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum!

    • screams*

    Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum!

    • gunfire*

    Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum!

    • GODZILLA ROAR!*

    Dainty toffee

    Media: (MP3)

    Arrangement: Charlie

    Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski / Nicko

    Album: Bad Coelacanth

    There are two sets of lyrics for this section of the Bad Coelacanth album, one set by Tim Chmielewski, the other by Nicko. Although there have been multiple versions of ?! songs before, Talysman suggests that this would be interesting if one set of lyrics is superimposed on the other set, especially since the part that immediately follows the tongue click in Chuma's lyrics would work as muffled speaking (as if by someone singing with a mouthful of toffee.)

    also, Doctroid suggests that the "Ging ... Ging ... Ging" part should be a remake of the "Beep" song from the Needs More Wanger album.

    Tim Chmielewski's lyrics:

    Dainty toffee!

    • tongue click*

    Graff-de-mek-el-mergow! Axe-em haft sock clang! Happt chong cling! Achm-shipm-plutmn!

    Ging...Ging...Ging Ging...Ging...Ging Ging...Ging...Ging Ging...Ging...Ging Ging...Ging...Ging Ging...Ging...Ging Ging...Ging...Ging Ging-ying-ying-ying!

    Cadillac! Rocking Chair! Cincinnati!

    • start crying and trash the recording studio*

    Nicko's lyrics:

    About 11000 people like dainty toffee. About 11000 people like dainty toffee. dainty toffee really whoops a camel's ass. I like you a lot in the long run.

        DAINTY TOFFEE!!! 
        DAINTY TOFFEE!!! 
        DAINTY TOFFEE!!! 
        DAINTY TOFFEE!!! 
    

    dainty toffee really whoops a donkey's ass. About 11000 people like dainty toffee. dainty toffee is the best. You can really jam harder like a magicist.

        DAINTY TOFFEE!!! 
        DAINTY TOFFEE!!! 
        DAINTY TOFFEE!!! 
        DAINTY TOFFEE!!! 
    

    I like dainty toffee a lot. You make the joyride music. You are the archie pu king. dainty toffee is very special to me.

    Rock over London, Rock on Chicago.

    Pontiac - we build excitement.

    Pay her no mind

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

    Album: Bad Coelacanth

    Pay her no mind
    Per her no ear
    Pay her no mouth
    In fact, stop trying to pay her in offal!
    She keeps complaining to me about it
    I'm the one who has to listen to it all the time
    We can't be that short on funds that you have to pay people in guts
    What?
    You spent HOW MUCH on hard liquor and prostitutes?
    Okay, I'm going out tonight and need some funds
    Break out the tripe!

    Welcome to the crotch kicking department

    (in progress Charlie)

    Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

    Album: Bad Coelacanth

    I went up to Germaine Greer, slapped her and said "where's my dinner?"
    I took my vegan girlfriend to an all your can eat steakhouse.
    I tried to grab the dancers tits at a local strip club.
    How can I get my crotch kicked easier?
    I don't want to go to much trouble.
    Or join the USA two man luge team.

    Chorus:

    Welcome to the crotch kicking department!
    We make all your dreams come true!
    Welcome to the crotch kicking department!
    We'll make your face turn blue!
    Welcome to the crotch kicking department!
    We'll help you learn kung fu!

    Some people there are wearing protective cups.
    Others wear protective tea-sets.
    But where's the fun in that?
    I want to be kicked good and hard!

    Chorus

    Why do I want to be kicked in the crotch?
    My voice has dropped and I don't want to lose my spot in the Vienna Boys Choir.
    Even though I could get testicular cancer.
    I want to go on with my singing career.

    Chorus

    Welcome to the crotch kicking department!
    We make all your dreams come true...

    You look like a nice gullible person

     

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

    Arrangement: Charlie

    Album: Bad Coelacanth

    Why do people choose me to do things all the time?
    If I am sitting in the audience, they get me up on stage
    I am the first person bums approach for money
    I am the one who runs errands at work
    The Mormons knock on my door first
    I believe that the word gullible is not in the dictionary
    I can almost hear them thinking as they do it
    "You look like a nice gullible person"

    Go past inflatable wumbles

     

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

    Arrangement: Charlie

    Album: Bad Coelacanth

    Oh, how I miss the Wumbles
    It was one of my favourite shows on TV
    And you can't go past the inflatable wumbles
    If you want to have a good time at a party

    Chorus:

    You can't go past inflatable wumbles
    Really, I mean it! They won't let you!
    Goddamn it! It's so annoying!
    Get out of my freaking way!

    I was walking down the street
    When the inflatable wumbles started following me
    GODDAMN IT! WHY CAN'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!
    STOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Chorus

    I'm now living in the bowels of the earth with the dinosaurs
    Rick Wakeman comes down occasionally to sing a rock opera
    It's not much to look at
    But at least there's no inflatable wumbles!

    Chorus

    Ignore the furlax

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

    Arrangement: Talysman

    Album: Bad Coelacanth

    Quotes come from Wizard of Oz, Taxi Driver and Full Metal Jacket.

    Chorus:

    PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE SCREEN!
    Ignore the furlax!
    You talkin' to me?
    Ignore the furlax!
    What is your major malfunction numb nuts? Didn't your parents pay you enough attention as a child?
    Ignore the furlax!

    The furlax is not worth your attention
    Do not regard it in any light
    It is no concern of yours
    What? Why am I telling you to ignore it?
    No reason...

    Chorus

    Why should you care about the furlax?
    What's my job you ask?
    It's telling people to ignore the furlax!
    It's a living...

    Chorus

    I have no idea why furlaxes must be ignored
    I just don't think about it that much
    I don't know why
    I've just got other things to think about...

    Chorus

    IGNORE THE FURLAX!

    Stand on one foot in the eepi department

    (in progress Major Zed)

    Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

    Album: Bad Coelacanth

    Every Wednesday afternoon
    I walk through downtown
    To the videogame store to check new releases
    Even though I don't buy many games...
    Then onto the department store
    Where I walk through the perfume section
    It's for no reason
    Just to check out the sales assistants...
    If I had my own store
    I would have many obstacles to traffic
    Including having people stand one foot in the eepi department
    That would at least stop people walking through without buying anything...
    After the department store
    I walk through Chinatown
    To the Chinese bakery
    Where I buy Thursday's morning tea
    I swing by the Chinatown Cinema to check the new releases
    Then homeward bound on the tram
    It's slower I know, but I like better that way...

    I just came in to return my defective ant

    (unrecorded)

    Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

    Arrangement:

    Album: Bad Coelacanth

    Do-bee-doo dee-doo dee-doo dum-dum
    My ant for Eponema goes walking
    Dum-dum Dum-dum Dum-Dum Dum-Daaaaaaaaaaaah!
    *repeat until bored*

    I wonder what's happening over by the volvox

    (unrecorded)

    Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

    Album: Bad Coelacanth

    I wonder what's happening over by the volvox?

    • sound effects from old monster movies at least 20 secs*

    Or maybe?

    • rude porn sounds for 10 secs*

    Or perhaps?

    • machine guns, explosions, cavalry charge 5 secs*

    Nah, probably just...

    • bored woman calling for price check on volvox*

    Yes, that's it!

    • woman strips off to bikini and begins go-go dancing with antromorphic pinapples and bananas funky dance music for the next six hours*

    The price of Swedish glarno

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

    Arrangement: Major Zed

    Album: Bad Coelacanth

    Lyrics

    The price of Swedish glarno
    It goes up and down
    Sometimes it is worth more than a tractor
    Other times less than a bucket of slop
    No I wouldn't want to be a futures trader
    Who bets on the price of Swedish glarno
    It is not a reliable commodity
    On which to pin your future hopes and dreams
    The doesn't stop people doing it
    I see more every day
    The money is just too attractive
    I don't blame people for it
    But if you want my advice
    Don't mess around with the price of Swedish glarno

    Stock footage of Queen Elizabeth with OINK, OINK noises

    (unrecorded)

    Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

    Album: Bad Coelacanth

    Chorus:

    God Save the Queen!
    She's made of bacon!
    I'm not faking!
    It's on the stove baking!

    YAY! "In bed (the clown) with Elvis and friends" is on!
    The woman I wish was my girlfriend is hosting it
    She always looks lovely
    I had to hold the car steering wheel while she brushed her hair once

    Chorus

    I've lost my train of thought
    Oh, yes!
    They had to lock up the corgis as they were eating the Queen
    It was more embarrassing than Hitler Harry and the Chamber of Spanking!

    Chorus

    Monarchists will have a fit when they hear this song!
    Who cares? I don't know any!
    All my friends are from pubs
    Including the buxom wench barmaid I have a crush on

    Chorus

    God Save the Queen!
    She's made of bacon!
    I'm having a chip butty for lunch!
    I hope I don't throw up!

    A cow explodes

    (unrecorded)

    Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

    Arrangement:

    Album: Bad Coelacanth

    A COW EXPLODES!
    My milkshake is much better than yours!
    It has nitro-glycerine in it!
    Leftover from when the cow exploded!
    Who was feeding the cow dynamite anyway?
    You wacky Alfred Nobel!
    You deserve a prize!
    The Nobel prize for cow exploding goes to Alfred Nobel!
    PETA will not be amused!
    Who cares, it's the 19th century and they won't be around for another 100 years!
    Find more animals to explode!
    HA! HA! HA! HA!
    *fade away maniacal laughter*

    I skipped lunch for this

    (in progress Major Zed)

    Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

    Album: Bad Coelacanth

    What in the hell am I doing?
    Bent over the page scribbling
    I should be at the pub getting smashed!
    Or playing the ticket machines at the local arcade
    I have to play the Uncle Fester and Electric Chair

    Chorus:

    I skipped lunch for this?
    What was I thinking?
    I skipped lunch for this?
    I should have been out drinking!

    I could have gone for a walk down the street
    And waved to the owners of the pizza parlour
    On Wednesday I can go to the market and buy giant dim-sims

    Chorus

    On Fridays, we all go out for lunch
    So I don't get to do this
    It's a relief that at least once a week
    I don't have to skip lunch for this!

    Chorus

    I'm going to the pub!

    House Made of Awesomeness

    Under development

    Shrödinger's Car

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: Doctroid

    Arrangement: Charlie

    Album: House Made of Awesomeness

    Lyrics

    by Doctroid

    Saw a Buick Riviera, drivin' late last night
    I saw a Buick Riviera, drivin' late last night
    He was in the left lane and at the same time in the right
    He was drivin' in the fast lane, and he was also in the slow
    Said he was drivin' in the fast lane, and he was also in the slow
    Passed himself a couple times, how he did it I don''t know
    Goin' uphill was a dump truck, you could hear the gear box grind
    Goin' uphill was a dump truck, you could hear the gear box grind
    That Buick passed it on the left, and on the right at the same time
    Well I finally reached my exit 'bout the break of dawn
    Yeah I finally reached my exit about the break of dawn
    That Buick took that exit but he also drove right on
    I asked my good friend Erwin, tell me how can this be
    I asked my good friend Erwin, please tell me how can this be
    Erwin just laughed and told me, son it's no mystery
    You must have been driving on old State Route 89
    He said, you must have been driving on old State Route 89
    That road's just half an angstrom wide, stuff like that happens all the time

    License

    //creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/3.0/us/

    This work (lyrics) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License.

    Right of Reply

    In early 2005, Talysman decided to alter a "draw me a picture meme-game circulating amongst LiveJournal users into a "write me song lyrics" meme-game, because he likes the idea of writing lyrics to random song titles or topics. He posted the following offer/challenge:

    "Comment here and I'll pick one of your LJ interests and write lyrics, in a style of my choosing. You have no say in what I write for you, or the quality thereof. Put this in your journal along with the lyrics written for you. "

    He got eight replies, and set out to produce the lyrics. A couple of them seemed humorous and likely material for the Cartel, but he was not intending on using the more serious lyrics. Casey B set him straight and suggested the album would be called Right of Reply.

    Reverse Archaeologist was similarly the result of a challenge. Zusty suggested in ARK that someone should write a song "about how James is a reverse archaeologist for uncovering a retroactive future mystery." This challenge actually preceded the LiveJournal challenge, but retroactively seems to fit in quite well with the other songs.

    Bacon All Over was an answer to another challenge, this time by one of the regulars of alt.slack.

    Other people have issued similar offer/challenges. More tracks may be added later.

    External Links

    Reverse Archaeologist

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: Talysman From an idea by Zusty

    Arrangement: Charlie

    Album: Right of Reply

    Lyrics

    transit across the painted wastes
    propelled by the desert's golden sand
    the man with secrets in his eyes
    takes our future in his hand

    future archeaologist
    pilfering through time
    screen the dazzle from our eyes
    clear our present
    clean the grime
    ar-chae AWWWW! LOGIST!
    turn away from your past!
    ar-chae AWWWW! LOGIST!
    tell us your forecast!
    carefully raise the umber shard
    devised by the unborn future man
    a backwards vision of history
    shows our future in its plan
    future archaeologist
    unpuzzle what's to be
    please assemble and reveal
    what our future
    seems to be
    ar-chae AWWWW! LOGIST!
    turn away from your past!
    ar-chae AWWWW! LOGIST!
    tell us your forecast!

    Pretending I'm Somewhere Else

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: Talysman

    Arrangement: Charlie

    Album: Right of Reply

    Lyrics

    the heavy skies were shattered
    as the gray rain hit the ground
    and all around
    my life is moist with missed
    opportunities
    outside, emotions clamored
    and the crowd was in control
    they take their toll
    but I can toss aside with pride
    these indignities
    yes, all of these

    (CHORUS)

    for I am far away
    when life is gray
    and I'm living in a world that few can know
    somewhere else is where I am
    and even though it seems a sham,
    the only way that I can stay
    is if I go
    far away
    when life is gray

    my veiled delight is sheltered
    far away from prying eyes
    so I surmise
    and none I'm sure will share
    my affinities
    my mind is blind with visions
    and my soul burns with desires
    that they inspire
    my senses fade away
    in their tapestries
    of imagery

    (CHORUS)

    far away
    somewhere else I long to be
    far away
    where my life won't bother me
    so I pretend
    and my sorrows seem to end
    if I go
    far away
    when life is
    gray.

    Kitten Knittin' Blues

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: Talysman

    Arrangement: jwgh

    Album: Right of Reply

    Lyrics

    goin' down to the drug store, buy me a skein of yarn
    goin' down to the drug store, buy a big ol' skein of yarn
    gonna knit me a kitten, even if you don't give a darn

    got a pair o' round needles, listen to them purr!
    got a pair o' round needles, hear them summabitches purr!
    gonna knit me a kitten and cover him up with fur
    don' want no store-bought kitten,
    can't stand them kitten farms,
    I wants me a homemade kitten
    with all those kitten charms
    so I guess I'll knit me a kitten
    any color fur I choose
    I can barely wait for my kitten
    that's why I got me the blues
    gonna knit me a kitten, just a couple more months to go
    gonna knit me a kitten, just eight or nine months to go
    gonna knit a siamese or maybe even a calico
    I'm a gettin' closer, I can almost hear the mews
    I'm a gettin' closer, I swear I can hear those mews
    I can't wait to finish, I got the kitten knittin' blues
    no, I can't wait to finish, that's why I got
    the kitten knittin' BLUES!

    Snowman In The Rain

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: Talysman

    Arrangement/Vocals: Akaishi

    Album: Right of Reply

    Lyrics

    I can see your coal-bright smile in the shadows of my dreams the image of your icy face still haunts my soul, it seems though winter now is fading and the snow now melts away I think of you, my snowman and miss that frosty day

    snowman in the rain I miss your frigid style snowman in the rain you still make me smile yes, we only get one snowman to live in our memories and you, mister snowman, were the memory for me

    I can see your features the raindrops have despoiled your snowy skin has turned to gray your snowballs are now soiled your face is now misshapen and your scarf has blown away the winter thaw has taken you and left a sunny day

    snowman in the rain I miss your frigid style snowman in the rain you still make me smile yes, we only get one snowman to be our childhood friend and you, mister snowman, will be mine 'til the end

    yes, we only get one snowman to live in our memories and you, mister snowman, were that memory for me

    Syntactical Soccer

    (unrecorded) Lyrics: Talysman

    Album: Right of Reply

    Lyrics

    verbal sleight-of-tongue slick with quick wit and references to Jung insert random sarcasm allusion to orgasm and finish with a pun

    syntactical soccer boot the ball toward the goal syntactical soccer fill the conversational hole

    literate alliteration trip of the lip with assonance and rhyme metaphor and simile and a touch of sophistry served with sage and thyme

    syntactical soccer boot the ball toward the goal syntactical soccer fill the conversational hole (SFX: "GOOOOOOL")

    Dancehall Dreams

    (unrecorded) Lyrics: Talysman

    Album: Right of Reply

    Lyrics

    the dancehalls mutter in my dreams

    (everything grows, everything rises) the century's bursting at the seams (everything grows, everything rises)

    high kicks, swirling skirts multicolored laughter rose red, swirling lines burst in vibrant song the gentlemen with hats of silk

    (everything grows, everything rises) dream of tasting mother's milk (everything grows, everything rises)

    sharp lines, curlyqueues multicolored laughter straw hats, swirling lace burst in vibrant song a picnic lunch spread on the grass

    (everything grows, everything rises) nudes and dandies of the upper class (everything grows, everything rises)

    top hats, monocles multicolored laughter floodlights, curtains rise and burst in vibrant song

    Morris Chickens

    (MP3 Original) ( Acoustic MP3)

    Lyrics: Talysman

    Arrangement: Charlie

    Album: Right of Reply

    Lyrics

    it was a morris chicken, so heavy in the sack
    I tied up his beak, he let out a squeak
    as I threw him across my back
    I stole back to my humble home and tossed him in a cage
    I swore that I would train him to dance
    and put him on the stage
    CHORUS:

    have you never seen a chicken?
    have you never seen a bird?
    have you never seen old ladies gawk
    and shout out "oh my word!"
    if you buy a pint for me
    and pull me up a chair,
    I'll show you all my chicken
    so you can point and stare.
    I started out to teach him and freed him from his coop
    he let out a squawk and jumped on my clock
    and splattered me with poop
    I tried to teach him capers but the bird was quite a fool
    I swore that I would train him to dance
    because it would be cool
    (CHORUS)
    I tried to teach him how to jump and how to hold a sword
    I struggled to herd that idiot bird
    across the bathroom floor
    that chicken would not compromise or listen to my word
    I swore that I would train him to dance
    or strangle that old bird
    (CHORUS)
    I tried to teach him how to hold a hanky in his beak
    I threatened to pluck the bitchy old cluck
    and he pecked me on my cheek
    I finally bought a chicken suit and went back on my word
    for if I could not train him to dance
    then I would be the bird
    (CHORUS)

    Rogue Agent

    (unrecorded) Lyrics: Talysman

    Album: Right of Reply

    Lyrics

    empty building, empty halls
    bits of plaster on the floor
    cracks in ceilings, cracks in walls
    rats and vermin I ignore
    now it's begun
    gotta find my way inside
    I'm on the run
    and there's no where I can hide
    rogue agent on the run
    cybernetic gadgetry
    is my savior, is my friend
    engineering ancestry
    gives advantage in the end
    but it's begun
    gotta find a place to hide
    I'm on the run
    and there's no one on my side
    rogue agent on the run
    when my masters turned on me
    I had to vanish in the night
    a clip of ammo and secrecy
    are my only guiding light
    and it's begun
    gotta feeling deep inside
    I'm on the run
    and there's no where I can hide
    now it's begun
    gotta swallow all my pride
    'cause I'm on the run
    and there's no one on my side
    rogue agent on the run
    rogue agent
    and there's no where I can hide
    rogue agent
    and there's no one on my side

    Into One

    (MP3)

    Lyrics: Talysman

    Arrangement: Charlie

    Album: Right of Reply

    Lyrics

    and now will come soft rain I hear the thunder and know its name I seem to see my opposite in moth-like stars and refuse pits they're both the same

    it's my life, it's my end it's my foe, it's my friend mother and daughter, father and son, all the world around me bleeds into one

    I gaze up at the sky the sun's so bright, it makes me cry I seem to see my shadow soul in diamond's gleam and blackened coal it makes me sigh

    it's my joy, it's my pain it's my body, it's my brain fire and water moon and sun, all the world around me bleeds into one

    it's my tears, it's my breath it's my hope and my death start to finish rest and run all the world around me bleeds into one

    Bacon All Over

    (MP3) Lyrics: Talysman

    Arrangement: Talysman

    Album: Right of Reply

    In an entirely different newsgroup (alt.slack), someone expressed a desire to hear a song about an explosing at a pig parts processing plant entitled "Bacon All Over". Since it didn't look like anyone else was about to record this song, Talysman obliged.

    Lyrics

    pig plant explosion! swine are in the sky! someone left the boiler runnin' and now they've blown it sky high!

    bacon all over, rinds are on the ground, such a shameful waste of pigmeat... I think I'll pick up a pound.

    I'd like some ham, little mama, I'd eat some bacon every day, so it's my good fortune the plant blew up today.

    bacon all over, swine are in the sky! someone sabotaged the pig-plant and now they've blown it sky high!

    (long-ish solo)

    pig plant explosion! swine are in the sky! someone filled the air with bacon and now we're all gonna fry!

    bacon all over, rinds are on the ground, found some slabs of fatty goodness just scattered all around

    I'd like some ham, little mama, I'd eat some bacon every day, so it's my good fortune the plant blew up today.

    bacon all over, swine are in the sky! someone sabotaged the pig-plant and now they've blown it sky high!

    Rules for Dysfunctional Patterns

    In March 2007, Dr HotSalt proposed a new album, Rules for Dysfunctional Patterns, based on a post by John Winston, quoting (apparently) from the book E.T. 101: The Cosmic Instruction Manual for Planetary Evolution (also online here).

    Tracks

    1. In Rome, Do as the Arcturians

    Lyrics: Doctroid

    2. Coming Out of the Closet

    Arrangement: Major Zed

    3. All Roads Lead Away from Rome

    Arrangement: Doctroid

    4. Gentle Reminder

    Lyrics: Doctroid

    5. Pre-encoded Activation

    Lyrics: Doctroid

    6. The Genetic Shift

    7. Emergency Procedure

    8. Deprogramming

    All Roads Lead Away from Rome

    MP3
    Title: Dr HotSalt / Mission Control and Zoev Jho
    Arrangement: Doctroid
    Album: Rules for Dysfunctional Patterns

    As the Cartel moves into its prog rock era, they take on a nerdly keyboards guy who, having joined the band, foists upon them a long, serious, intellectual, instrumental piece for the new album. Not to be outdone by the gods of 1970s prog rock like Emerson, Wakeman, and Waters, he ventures into the weirdness of microtonal 15-tone equal temperament. Needless to say, there is immediate talk of firing him from the band.

    License

    //creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/3.0/us/

    This work (music and recording) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License.

    Coming Out of the Closet

    Not defined yet.

    Gentle Reminder

    Lyrics: Doctroid
    Title: Dr HotSalt / Mission Control and Zoev Jho
    unrecorded
    Album: Rules for Dysfunctional Patterns

    Lyrics

    By Doctroid

    When I was six
    I wanted to drive a garbage truck
    Remind me why
    I wanted to drive a garbage truck
    They're impressive machines
    But they smell
    And it's hard work
    For bad pay
    And no respect
    When I was twelve
    I wanted to be an astronaut
    Remind me why
    I wanted to be an astronaut
    It's the final frontier
    But the risk
    Is very high
    And you get
    Spacesick a lot
    When I was twenty
    I wanted to marry Emily
    Remind me why
    I wanted to marry Emily
    She was beautiful, yes
    But she had
    No brains at all
    And she had
    Expensive tastes
    When I was thirty
    I wanted to serve all of mankind
    Remind me why
    I wanted to serve all of mankind
    They're the image of God
    But they kill
    Lust after gold
    And hate what's
    Not understood
    When I was fifty-three
    I wanted to write down this song, yeah
    Remind me why
    I wanted to write down this song, yeah
    It''s a clever idea
    But it's long
    Too long in fact
    And the point
    Got lost somewhere

    License

    //creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/3.0/us/

    This work (lyrics) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License.

    In Rome, Do as the Arcturians

    Lyrics: Doctroid
    Title: Dr HotSalt Mission Control and Zoev Jho
    unrecorded
    Album: Rules for Dysfunctional Patterns

    Lyrics

    By Doctroid

    In the center of the Coliseum
    We who are about to die
    All salute the ones who've come to see them
    No one really knows just why
    Got a feeling that we don't belong here
    Really don't know who we are
    Got a feeling that there's something wrong here
    Gladiators from the stars
    When in Rome
    People have expectations
    Can't go round being different
    Can't go round asking questions
    When in Rome
    People hate indiscretions
    Can't go round acting crazy
    Can't go round with intentions
    To do as the Arcturians
    On the Forum by the Arch of Titus
    Chariots are rolling by
    And we're worried someone's going to smite us
    No one really knows just why
    Got a question that we want to ask us
    Is this premonition bad
    Now we're looking at the Circus Maximus
    Reminds us of a landing pad
    When in Rome...
    Pledging all our loyalty to Caesar
    Duty to dysfunction calls
    Isn't he just some old scheming geezer
    Won't his empire someday fall
    Things become more true the more you say them
    Here in post-Augustan Rome
    From the Milliarium Aureum
    Eleven parsecs back to home
    When in Rome...

    License

    //creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/3.0/us/

    This work (lyrics) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License.

    Pre encoded Activation

    (unrecorded)
    Lyrics: Doctroid
    Album: Rules for Dysfunctional Patterns

    Lyrics

    So you think you really know you
    'til the day comes that will show you
    What the multiverse might owe you
    Is a kick right in the head
    You behold the exposition
    Of the xeno-inquisition
    And your precious prime position
    Is a zeppelin of lead
    Once you thought you'd beat the dealer
    But now Everett and Wheeler
    Not to mention Edith Keeler
    Teach a lesson you must learn
    This and that is both and neither
    And there's no such thing as either
    Just ask Lachesis the weaver [1]
    Every time you take a turn
    Activate
    Now it all comes flooding back
    Activate
    Decompress unzip unpack
    Activate
    And it's comfy as the rack
    Activation
    Now you know who you are really
    Through a rite not touchy-feely
    But more like they did a wheelie
    On your parietal lobe
    Like a blend of Margaret Mead and
    Something thought up by Joss Whedon
    It's an insight big as Sweden
    In the quick flash of a strobe
    Activate!

    [1] Pronounced LACK-ess-iss.

    Through Siberian Fields Of Cheese

    The background story for this album needs to be uncovered.

    All Cakes are Lies

    (unrecorded)

    Author: Nicko

    Album: Through Siberian Fields of Cheese

    Lyrics

    All cakes are lies
    Pretentious pies in disguise
    Puffed up and iced out
    Farnsworthy of trouser trout
    All cakes are lies

    The Anti-Piracy League

    (MP3)

    Arrangement: jwgh

    Live Journal mention We need some back story on this song and credits.

    The Barflies Soundtrack

    Album: The Barflies Soundtrack Performers: Charlie, Micheal, Rebecca, and Tony

    Songs from the shows Barflies, and Barflies: A Second Shot

    Songs

    1. How To Be A Texas Ranger
    2. Morris Chickens -- (Barflies Band MP3)
    3. Pink Noise -- (Barflies Band MP3)
    4. George Hammond Conspiracy
    5. Robot Song -- (Barflies Band MP3)
    6. Pretending I'm Not There
    7. Pay Her No Mind
    8. Chalice Of Fire
    9. COMAR
    10. Pumpkin Mrs Farnsworth