Bad Coelacanth

Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: the Sears tool department (was: End-of-year newspaper filler) From: John D Salt Date: 07 Jan 2005 11:42:05 GMT

k...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote in news:kibo-0701050551370001@10.0.1.2: [Snips]

Wow, a whole new stubborn stain of IC track titles! Yipperino! I see a Bold New Double Album of Innovative Musical Pieces and Unnecessary Capitalization connected by a cod-operine narrative thread, along the lines of Zappa's "Joe's Garage".

Bad Coelacanth -- Interrobang Cartel

Prat 1 -- L'Apres-midi d'un fool

  1. Prelude to the afternoon of a coelacanth
  2. Now I can return my defective ant!
  3. Go past the volvox and the burpo
  4. Slunch appraisal area
  5. Dainty toffee!
  6. Pay her no mind
  7. Welcome to the crotch-kicking department.
  8. You look like a nice gullible person
  9. Go past inflatable wumbles

Part 2 -- Later that Arvo

  1. Ignore the furlax
  2. Stand on one foot in the eepi department
  3. I just came in to return my defective ant
  4. I wonder what's happening over by the volvox.
  5. The price of Swedish glarno
  6. Stock footage of Queen Elizabeth with OINK, OINK noises
  7. A cow explodes
  8. I skipped lunch for this?

This album MUST be recorded. The complete absence of lyrics and music and the lack of time, talent, equipment, motivation, organization and money to create them MUST NOT be permitted to obstacle our success.

I have utilized the management key success methods of SHOUTING WHAT I WANT, saying "utilized" instead of "used", and horribly verbing an innocent noun, so I think I have contributed all I can to the success of the project. If it doesn't happen now, it's all your fault, everyone. You will be hearing from my lawyers.

Oh yeah, and could someone design an album cover? Pretty please with sugar and threats?

All the best,

John.


As can be seen, the shouting seems to have worked. Tim Chuma has provided copious lyrics. The composition and recordings are in progress. Nothing will "obstacle our success."

When this is over, we will all blame you, John.

Charlie.

Prelude to the afternoon of a coelacanth

 

(MP3) Lyrics: brni Arrangement: Charlie Album: Bad Coelacanth

[start w/ "girl from ipanema" playing softly]

[narrator - voice sounding tinny, as if coming thru very small speakers]

    "First floor, furlax, swoiden and glarno, wigs and haberdashery, going up... 

    [bing!] 

    Second floor, iftiffle, pliers, ladies' underwear, zumbar and furniture, going up... 

[bing!]

Third floor, barratry, cooperage and eepi, woxwox and coelacanths, going up...

[bing!]

Now I can return my defective ant

(unrecorded, unfinished)

Lyrics: brni

Arrangement: Charlie & brni (in progress)

Album: Bad Coelacanth

[Erik Idle]
Hello Sir, pray do you see
the Gentleman who not half an hour ago
within the walls of this fine Establishment
did sell this very ant to me
This ant, you see, has got five legs
and though he seems to get about just fine
the box clearly indicates that ants have six
to compensate for having no spine
five legs, you see, are clearly inferior
and besides, i can see his interior
an ant with an intact exoskeleton
would for my purposes be highly superior
So pray, Sir, do you see
the Gentleman who sold to me
this very very very very very very
defective ant?
[clerk]
sorry, squire, he's left for the day.
[long pregnant pause]
[Eric Idle]
Then, Sir, could you be of help
I want to return my defective ant
and exchange him for another
that is whole in spirit mind and body
[clerk]
sorry, squire, defective ant returns
go past the volvox and the burpo
through the slunch appraisal area
and you'll come to ant returns
[music screaches to a halt]
[Eric Idle - speaking]
oh, bother.

Go past the volvox and the burpo

(MP3)

Lyrics: (Instrumental)

Arrangement: brni and Charlie

Album: Bad Coelacanth

Instrumental including the sounds of a washing machine rinse cycle, a hammer banging on a dog crate, and other percussion instruments.

Slunch appraisal area

(MP3)

Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

Arrangement: Charlie Vocals: Manfire

Album: Bad Coelacanth

KEEP YOUR HANDS AND FEET CLEAR OF THE SLUNCH APRAISAL AREA!

Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum!

According to the safety instructions you must not look or care either!

Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum!

I don't make the rules, just follow them!

Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum!

You will have to see the manager if you have any complaints.

Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum!

Don't take that tone with me!

Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum!

You know what I'm talking about!

Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum!

Oh, yes you do!

Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum!

Put down that slunch! Don't swing it at me!

Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum!

ARRGH! HELP!

Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum!

  • sirens*

Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum!

  • screams*

Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum!

  • gunfire*

Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Baa-da-dum! Da-da-dum!

  • GODZILLA ROAR!*

Dainty toffee

Media: (MP3)

Arrangement: Charlie

Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski / Nicko

Album: Bad Coelacanth

There are two sets of lyrics for this section of the Bad Coelacanth album, one set by Tim Chmielewski, the other by Nicko. Although there have been multiple versions of ?! songs before, Talysman suggests that this would be interesting if one set of lyrics is superimposed on the other set, especially since the part that immediately follows the tongue click in Chuma's lyrics would work as muffled speaking (as if by someone singing with a mouthful of toffee.)

also, Doctroid suggests that the "Ging ... Ging ... Ging" part should be a remake of the "Beep" song from the Needs More Wanger album.

Tim Chmielewski's lyrics:

Dainty toffee!

  • tongue click*

Graff-de-mek-el-mergow! Axe-em haft sock clang! Happt chong cling! Achm-shipm-plutmn!

Ging...Ging...Ging Ging...Ging...Ging Ging...Ging...Ging Ging...Ging...Ging Ging...Ging...Ging Ging...Ging...Ging Ging...Ging...Ging Ging-ying-ying-ying!

Cadillac! Rocking Chair! Cincinnati!

  • start crying and trash the recording studio*

Nicko's lyrics:

About 11000 people like dainty toffee. About 11000 people like dainty toffee. dainty toffee really whoops a camel's ass. I like you a lot in the long run.

    DAINTY TOFFEE!!! 
    DAINTY TOFFEE!!! 
    DAINTY TOFFEE!!! 
    DAINTY TOFFEE!!! 

dainty toffee really whoops a donkey's ass. About 11000 people like dainty toffee. dainty toffee is the best. You can really jam harder like a magicist.

    DAINTY TOFFEE!!! 
    DAINTY TOFFEE!!! 
    DAINTY TOFFEE!!! 
    DAINTY TOFFEE!!! 

I like dainty toffee a lot. You make the joyride music. You are the archie pu king. dainty toffee is very special to me.

Rock over London, Rock on Chicago.

Pontiac - we build excitement.

Pay her no mind

(MP3)

Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

Album: Bad Coelacanth

Pay her no mind
Per her no ear
Pay her no mouth
In fact, stop trying to pay her in offal!
She keeps complaining to me about it
I'm the one who has to listen to it all the time
We can't be that short on funds that you have to pay people in guts
What?
You spent HOW MUCH on hard liquor and prostitutes?
Okay, I'm going out tonight and need some funds
Break out the tripe!

Welcome to the crotch kicking department

(in progress Charlie)

Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

Album: Bad Coelacanth

I went up to Germaine Greer, slapped her and said "where's my dinner?"
I took my vegan girlfriend to an all your can eat steakhouse.
I tried to grab the dancers tits at a local strip club.
How can I get my crotch kicked easier?
I don't want to go to much trouble.
Or join the USA two man luge team.

Chorus:

Welcome to the crotch kicking department!
We make all your dreams come true!
Welcome to the crotch kicking department!
We'll make your face turn blue!
Welcome to the crotch kicking department!
We'll help you learn kung fu!

Some people there are wearing protective cups.
Others wear protective tea-sets.
But where's the fun in that?
I want to be kicked good and hard!

Chorus

Why do I want to be kicked in the crotch?
My voice has dropped and I don't want to lose my spot in the Vienna Boys Choir.
Even though I could get testicular cancer.
I want to go on with my singing career.

Chorus

Welcome to the crotch kicking department!
We make all your dreams come true...

You look like a nice gullible person

 

(MP3)

Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

Arrangement: Charlie

Album: Bad Coelacanth

Why do people choose me to do things all the time?
If I am sitting in the audience, they get me up on stage
I am the first person bums approach for money
I am the one who runs errands at work
The Mormons knock on my door first
I believe that the word gullible is not in the dictionary
I can almost hear them thinking as they do it
"You look like a nice gullible person"

Go past inflatable wumbles

 

(MP3)

Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

Arrangement: Charlie

Album: Bad Coelacanth

Oh, how I miss the Wumbles
It was one of my favourite shows on TV
And you can't go past the inflatable wumbles
If you want to have a good time at a party

Chorus:

You can't go past inflatable wumbles
Really, I mean it! They won't let you!
Goddamn it! It's so annoying!
Get out of my freaking way!

I was walking down the street
When the inflatable wumbles started following me
GODDAMN IT! WHY CAN'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!
STOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chorus

I'm now living in the bowels of the earth with the dinosaurs
Rick Wakeman comes down occasionally to sing a rock opera
It's not much to look at
But at least there's no inflatable wumbles!

Chorus

Ignore the furlax

(MP3)

Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

Arrangement: Talysman

Album: Bad Coelacanth

Quotes come from Wizard of Oz, Taxi Driver and Full Metal Jacket.

Chorus:

PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE SCREEN!
Ignore the furlax!
You talkin' to me?
Ignore the furlax!
What is your major malfunction numb nuts? Didn't your parents pay you enough attention as a child?
Ignore the furlax!

The furlax is not worth your attention
Do not regard it in any light
It is no concern of yours
What? Why am I telling you to ignore it?
No reason...

Chorus

Why should you care about the furlax?
What's my job you ask?
It's telling people to ignore the furlax!
It's a living...

Chorus

I have no idea why furlaxes must be ignored
I just don't think about it that much
I don't know why
I've just got other things to think about...

Chorus

IGNORE THE FURLAX!

Stand on one foot in the eepi department

(in progress Major Zed)

Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

Album: Bad Coelacanth

Every Wednesday afternoon
I walk through downtown
To the videogame store to check new releases
Even though I don't buy many games...
Then onto the department store
Where I walk through the perfume section
It's for no reason
Just to check out the sales assistants...
If I had my own store
I would have many obstacles to traffic
Including having people stand one foot in the eepi department
That would at least stop people walking through without buying anything...
After the department store
I walk through Chinatown
To the Chinese bakery
Where I buy Thursday's morning tea
I swing by the Chinatown Cinema to check the new releases
Then homeward bound on the tram
It's slower I know, but I like better that way...

I just came in to return my defective ant

(unrecorded)

Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

Arrangement:

Album: Bad Coelacanth

Do-bee-doo dee-doo dee-doo dum-dum
My ant for Eponema goes walking
Dum-dum Dum-dum Dum-Dum Dum-Daaaaaaaaaaaah!
*repeat until bored*

I wonder what's happening over by the volvox

(unrecorded)

Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

Album: Bad Coelacanth

I wonder what's happening over by the volvox?

  • sound effects from old monster movies at least 20 secs*

Or maybe?

  • rude porn sounds for 10 secs*

Or perhaps?

  • machine guns, explosions, cavalry charge 5 secs*

Nah, probably just...

  • bored woman calling for price check on volvox*

Yes, that's it!

  • woman strips off to bikini and begins go-go dancing with antromorphic pinapples and bananas funky dance music for the next six hours*

The price of Swedish glarno

(MP3)

Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

Arrangement: Major Zed

Album: Bad Coelacanth

Lyrics

The price of Swedish glarno
It goes up and down
Sometimes it is worth more than a tractor
Other times less than a bucket of slop
No I wouldn't want to be a futures trader
Who bets on the price of Swedish glarno
It is not a reliable commodity
On which to pin your future hopes and dreams
The doesn't stop people doing it
I see more every day
The money is just too attractive
I don't blame people for it
But if you want my advice
Don't mess around with the price of Swedish glarno

Stock footage of Queen Elizabeth with OINK, OINK noises

(unrecorded)

Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

Album: Bad Coelacanth

Chorus:

God Save the Queen!
She's made of bacon!
I'm not faking!
It's on the stove baking!

YAY! "In bed (the clown) with Elvis and friends" is on!
The woman I wish was my girlfriend is hosting it
She always looks lovely
I had to hold the car steering wheel while she brushed her hair once

Chorus

I've lost my train of thought
Oh, yes!
They had to lock up the corgis as they were eating the Queen
It was more embarrassing than Hitler Harry and the Chamber of Spanking!

Chorus

Monarchists will have a fit when they hear this song!
Who cares? I don't know any!
All my friends are from pubs
Including the buxom wench barmaid I have a crush on

Chorus

God Save the Queen!
She's made of bacon!
I'm having a chip butty for lunch!
I hope I don't throw up!

A cow explodes

(unrecorded)

Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

Arrangement:

Album: Bad Coelacanth

A COW EXPLODES!
My milkshake is much better than yours!
It has nitro-glycerine in it!
Leftover from when the cow exploded!
Who was feeding the cow dynamite anyway?
You wacky Alfred Nobel!
You deserve a prize!
The Nobel prize for cow exploding goes to Alfred Nobel!
PETA will not be amused!
Who cares, it's the 19th century and they won't be around for another 100 years!
Find more animals to explode!
HA! HA! HA! HA!
*fade away maniacal laughter*

I skipped lunch for this

(in progress Major Zed)

Lyrics: Tim Chmielewski

Album: Bad Coelacanth

What in the hell am I doing?
Bent over the page scribbling
I should be at the pub getting smashed!
Or playing the ticket machines at the local arcade
I have to play the Uncle Fester and Electric Chair

Chorus:

I skipped lunch for this?
What was I thinking?
I skipped lunch for this?
I should have been out drinking!

I could have gone for a walk down the street
And waved to the owners of the pizza parlour
On Wednesday I can go to the market and buy giant dim-sims

Chorus

On Fridays, we all go out for lunch
So I don't get to do this
It's a relief that at least once a week
I don't have to skip lunch for this!

Chorus

I'm going to the pub!